I lie to people I like
and i expect people that like me to do the same in return.
i am of the admittedly somewhat negative opinion that friendships cannot be completely honest and completely amicable at the same time. which is why i only feel free to share the extent of my honest thoughts with people i no longer want to be friends with. even though i don’t think my honesty stems from any form of malice, i am aware that their reaction will be less than “friendly” in return. in fact, it can be the perfect way to end a friendship: you get to speak your mind and drive someone out of your life at the same time.
as mentioned above, this is admittedly quite a negative perspective. i don’t mean to imply that i am friends with people i dislike in secret. rather, i want to point out that none of us are perfect. and most of us prefer not to have those flaws pointed out.
is it hypocritical of us to exclaim delight in or offer praise for our friend’s new baby, new car, batch of cookies, or cocktail when we really think the baby is quite bland, the car would have been better in black, the cookies are too dry, and the cocktail not dry enough? or is the discrepancy between what we need to hear from friends and what we really feel a valid void to be filled with white lies?
i am not a person that lives or dies by compliments, but i prefer to spend my time with people who would rather dwell on my accomplishments than my failures or flaws. if everyone i know that thinks i am a pious, self-righteous, self-centered, hypocritical bitch told me so to my face, i would probably gauge whether or not their opinion had any logical merit – might even respect them a little more – and proceed to accept or brush it off accordingly. but i certainly wouldn’t go out of my way to spend time with them again.
you may say “yes, but” and claim there are examples of occasions where it is better to be honest with the friend who’s delusions have driven him to publish a completely awful book of poetry or wants your opinion on the man she’s considering marrying who has been hitting on you all night. i can’t argue with that. i only point to my initial premise that people think you are a “good friend” when you tell them what they want to hear.
“wow. those poems really touched my heart. your emotional clarity is impressive.”
or, “yesyes, i think he’s a GREAT guy. you two are going to be SO happy.”
granted, these lies only work if you don’t turn around with an i-told-you-so when the book doesn’t sell and the husband runs off with his secretary. people like to feel good about their choices and decisions. one of the main functions of friendship is to make people feel good about themselves. to feel loved. and to be loved in return. as a good friend, your job is to make the poet feel good enough about his publication to get better and try again. as a good friend, your job is to make the bride realize her groom’s indiscretion has absolutely nothing to do with her value as a beautiful woman.
i would further argue that telling the truth in these situations is fruitless because people (yes, even your friends!) are mature adults responsible for the aforementioned decisions they want to feel good about. even if the poet has an inkling in the corner of his mind that his rhymes aren’t any good, telling him isn’t doing him any favours. he probably won’t really appreciate the honest feedback and it will undermine his efforts to improve. it’s a lesson learned much more deeply on his own.
and how many times have we heard of a woman confronted with evidence of a cheating husband, only to turn on the friend who delivered the news and religiously defend her man? another lesson learned better through the experience of a poor decision.
i’m repeating myself now: as a friend it’s not your job to tell the poet that his work is awful. it’s your job to encourage him to get better. it’s not your job to tell the woman that her husband is cheating. it’s either your job to help her see/find out on her own or be there with loving words when she needs to pick up the pieces.
besides, as a good friend, i love you for who you are. not for what you do or say or don’t do or don’t say. i love you in spite of the good-or-bad decisions you make. even with more casual friends, i like spending time with you because you make me laugh. or are capable of intelligent conversation. or can balance a spoon on the end of your nose.
who am i to throw “honesty” into the middle of all that and ruin everything?
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April 27th, 2007 at 10:37 am
personally, what i want to hear from my friends is the truth. truth in their opinion. whether the truth is good or bad, the key to a good friend is being tactful in dishing it out. this is constructive criticism. it’s a friend, telling you you’re about to screw up, giving you alternatives to explore, and loving you regardless of your decision. the same applies after you’ve screwed up. a friend who is capable of doing that, will no doubt also laud you on your accomplishments. my two lincolns anyway.
April 27th, 2007 at 10:59 am
I tend towards the opposite — I *will* be honest (occasionally brutally so) whether it’s appreciated or not.
And yes, I’ve lost friends over it. But really, I’m a shitty liar. There’s no point in me trying to lie, even if it’s a lie to make things better, as it will *always* come out and bite me in the ass.
About the best thing I can do is learn to shut my mouth. I’m getting better at that one. :)
April 27th, 2007 at 11:29 am
tact or no, constructive or not, i still believe friends prefer to dwell on the positive rather than the negative.
two follow-up comments…
1) we tend to be friends with people we agree with a lot of the time. so technically these situations don’t come up every day. most of our friends already know the “truth” – that’s why they’re our friends. this means you HAVE friends because you’re not the downer always pointing out the negative aspects of something.
if you are – or if you do disagree with someone a lot – it is likely your friendship is not as close or amicable as it could be.
2) lying is a LOT different than pointing out the truth. there is a big grey area between “gee i love your poetry” and “oh GOD that is so AWFUL i just threw up a bit in my mouth”. ie: a huge space where you can not saying anything at all.
but i do believe it is a social art to perfect the delivery of a white lie. essential lubrication for casual friendly conversation.
April 27th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
I’m trying to end a friendship with someone who is about to have a baby. When the thing pops out i’m going to tell her the kid is really bland. I’ll let you know how it goes!
April 27th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
sarah – be sure to do it with as much tact as possible.
i’m pretty sure she still won’t respond with “oh, thanks for the constructive criticism.” ;))
April 27th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
True — there’s definitely a large gray area between absolute truth and lying.
Unfortunately, I still tend to come down closer on the side of absolute truth. For people I care about, I try to be a little tactful about it… but hey, when one friends kid was born and he was gung ho about introducing me, I still told him something along the lines of “I have no interest in meeting your kid.”
It was worded slightly better than that, but not much. I’m not sure WHY we’re still friends, but evidently people get used to it… ;)
I don’t think I dwell on the negative ALL the time — after all, if I really thought my friends were all assholes, they wouldn’t be my friends. And I’m amazingly good at giving someone the benefit of the doubt. If someone says “Hey, isn’t my poetry awesome?” Well, I’m not much of a poet, so how do I know? It could be fantastic…
But if they said, “Hey, isn’t my poetry awesome” and then proceeded to read out their delightful “Ode to a small lump of green putty I found in my armpit one midsummer morning” … well, I might be tactful about it, but I’m going to let them know that it’s Not Good. :)
But, like I said — it’s not necessarily a great method. I have lost friends, and I’ve got a few friendships that used to be closer until I shot off my big mouth. But… it’s me. :)
April 27th, 2007 at 6:45 pm
A serious comment (for once)…I agree wholeheartedly with your post. In general, people have fragile egos, and they gravitate towards people who can stroke those egos for them. People want friends who will make them feel good about themselves, plain and simple. I’ve learned over time that it really is best to just keep your mouth shut and concentrate on the good. The best lessons learned are often the ones learned on ones own (sometimes painfully), so the best thing to do is let a friend do what they’re going to do and then just be there when it all goes down the toilet.
Hmm…i was going to write more, but my eyes just skimmed over the above comment and i read something about green armpit putty…so i’m gonna cut this short and just go away now.
April 28th, 2007 at 10:34 am
can i say how much i am enjoying the writing of your free time, not that i have enough free time to fully process it all but whatever …
some of my closest oldest friends have the insight to tell me the truth when i need it and to spin me the lie when i need it ~ and that is a beautiful thing. hopefully, i also provide that in return …
sometimes we need the lie to help us grow and evolve or to comfort and soothe, sometimes we need the truth to help us grow and evolve or to shake us out of destruction ~ being a friend sometimes means taking the time to figure out which is the case … i think …
enjoy your weekend hon …
April 29th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
Sarah: Fear not, the green putty comment is a Hitchhikers Guide reference. :)
April 30th, 2007 at 1:12 pm
Enlightenment, or the discovery that everything is one (which results in true inner peace), is achieved through the absorption of factual information.
Dishonesties in any way say two things: 1) I do not believe you are capable of maturely seeking inner peace 2) I do not respect you enough to blindly permit you to deal adequately with what is the truth.
If this is how anyone chooses to pursue their friendships, then they should clarify what they define as “friend”, for the common assumption is that friends are both respectable and lovable.
Further, the premonition that your friend will react badly to your honest critique will actually pursuade your friend to react badly. Why? Because by definition, if your expectation is that they will react badly, then you expect that they will be unable to see that you say it in a caring manner. This can be the result of two things: 1) You don’t actually care, in which case they are right 2) You are unconfident about caring about them, which pushes the idea of #1.
Of course, the central problem is that you do not wish to be criticized: You want diplomatic white lies. This means, you do not truly believe anyone is saying what they are saying for your benefit, and you are therefore un-lovable.
Now this… this is a critical post. But is it out of love or maliciousness?
April 30th, 2007 at 4:41 pm
hello anonymous,
i do not disagree with your premises that any and all dishonesties indicate a lack of 1) faith in and 2) respect for the other person. however, for those premises to apply wholly to my actions, i must have 1) already found inner peace, and 2) be able to deal adequately with the truth on my own. i do not believe the majority of people have done either of those things. and i know my own journey is definitely still in progress.
in summary: i cannot claim to be helping people on the path to “enlightenment” unless i am already there. it is hypocritical and the high chance of personal judgement error has enormous potential to impede my own progress.
to clarify your definitional question: i used the phrase “people i like” in the title to keep the group of casual acquaintances and friends-of-friends as wide as possible. i narrowed a bit further to “friend” in the subject of the post, but indeed it could apply to a bank teller or person serving me coffee at starbucks. as such, i am making the assumption that they are respectable and lovable simply on the basis that they belong to the human race. not because they have done anything to earn that respect or love.
i choose to show my respect and love in the least hypocritical way i know how: not to verbally judge their actions or attitudes by my own imperfect standards.
further, because the definition of “people i like” is so broad, my suspicion that they will react badly is not based on a premonition that they will be unable to see me saying something in a caring manner. it is based on observation of human nature. those of us that still haven’t reached enlightenment are extremely weak in our interactions with others that include any sort of negativity. as you said, someone interpreting my words as not caring might make them think that i 1) don’t care, or 2) am unconfident about caring.
alternatively, 3) their flawed logic could take them somewhere else entirely that i am equally not responsible for. i would rather have someone think i care and be wrong, than say something to make “someone i like” think i don’t care and be wrong.
as for the central problem you outlined in your conclusion: it’s true i don’t wish to be criticized by someone who is farther ahead or lagging behind my own path to enlightenment. only a true peer is capable of offering words of truth that aren’t hypocritical. which is (as a couple of other commenters pointed out) an exception to the rule: an occasion for “tactful constructive criticism” by close friends. however, the category addressed in the original post is much much broader than close friends who are truly equal peers.
lastly, your words may be a “critical post” but it is the reason i leave comments open on my website. everything i write is open for discussion. and because i personally tend to default to seeing love over maliciousness in my life, you already have the benefit of the doubt.
i can’t deny that your argument is logical and valid, but i do think it suffers from one foundational fallacy: truth, as the path to enlightenment, cannot be delivered by unenlightened people.