Optimism
i typed the title at the top of my page, intending to think of something positive to write about… enough with the politics of foreign aid mumbo jumbo. how am i? how am i liking Zambia??
i really do love it here. i know i carefully chose the time of year to visit and, in turn, i have been rewarded with blissfully cool mornings/evenings and hot, sunny afternoons. i pinch myself regularly and sometimes shake myself saying “you are in Africa!” but i don’t need physical reminders like that. i am not dreaming and signs i am in a different culture are obvious nearly every minute of every day.
i cried again today. wait… that’s not optimistic. i guess what might be optimistic is that every day i’m here i am getting a tiny bit closer to figuring out why i’m here.
walking home from Maramba clinic, i waved at everyone shouting “muzugu! muzugu!*” and felt like a celebrity in a parade even though it’s not a flattering term. i was by myself and reflecting on the morning’s events (see the “Home-based care” entry), feeling like everything we did to fit in or help came out horribly backwards, impractical, and misguided.
i was overwhelmed by how much better i felt remaining on the outside looking in (as from behind my camera), than pretending like i’m needed or wanted. and that made me cry. am i insecure in my ability to help? or am i preferring the comfort of distance because i’m scared that i will invest too much of myself here?
i can’t help but feel that my intuition is trying hard to guide me in a direction that seems opposite to all the other foreigners here…
how can i turn my pessimism into optimism? what do i hope to achieve by the end of the month? what lessons am i taking home with me? what part of myself am i leaving behind? will i come back?
i really appreciate hearing encouraging comments from The Outside. your perspectives and ideas are helpful. as Roger noted, i have been plunked into the middle of a fishbowl and i sometimes do feel like i’m drowning.
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*it means “foreigner” in almost all dialects across Africa. and even the youngest children (who barely look old enough to walk) shout it at you.
June 8th, 2007 at 11:43 am
you know … i do think that everything we do has an effect and sometimes you can’t see or realize the good in that effect until we are out of the immediacy and have time to reflect … i am as always when reading your experiences there, at a loss for words, so i cannot even imagine your perspective … xox
June 8th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
What you’re doing is really telling the firsthand story of what I’ve always suspected: people in third world countries will benefit far more from learning how to help themselves, rather than continuous first world aid.
Of course, I have no idea how to translate the current situation into one that sets Africans up for a future of self-sustinence and prosperity – but at isn’t acknowledging the problem the first step, or something like that?
June 9th, 2007 at 2:10 am
Well what can I say… Give yourself some more time in getting used to this new situation. Everything around you is surely so different from what you’ve experienced so far.
On your insecurity about the ability to help. From my little africa experience I remember that many african people are very proud and friendly people. Only listening to them, showing interest (sometimes in only beeing there) in their lives means much to them. Maybe you’re already helping…but not knowing it.
June 9th, 2007 at 9:12 am
Plunked down in a fishbowl, eh? Sink or swim – reading your words so far I have to say you are on the right path.
(Your comment on Bono was apropos – our PM refused to meet with him at the G8 summit this week – maybe he reads your site?)
Encouragement – I’m very self-centered and just have to say that I encourage you to keep writing and taking photos because I’m really enjoying it. That said, you are really on to something with this African writing – everyday is a revelation – YOU are being changed by this experience, I think. Or maybe I’m being a presumptious lurker. Ah, the perils of anonymous communication.
October 22nd, 2007 at 7:09 pm
[...] i have vented about this before. i guess i won’t get into it again, but this month’s Canadian Medical Association Journal happens to have a slew of articles on global health and poverty. and many of you know i have rather strong feelings on the topic of foreign aid. [...]