this week feels sort of like running downhill. i’d like to slow a little, but i can’t. instead i’ve surrendered myself to the momentum carrying me to the bottom. i’m concentrating at keeping my feet under me and forgetting to observe the things around me. physically and mentally, i feel big changes becoming obvious.

my arms look like they belong on another body. i feel like a doll with brown arms snapped in the sockets instead of the white ones that match her torso. naked in front of the mirror, i look like i am wearing a bright white sleeveless shirt. from the knees down, my legs are shiny brown with golden glints of the hair i haven’t shaved all month. white Vs cross the tops of my feet from my flip flops. i’m sure the Zambian sun has given me a few new wrinkles, but not only due to sun exposure.

since arriving back in Livingstone from Zimbabwe, i have also felt a significant shift in my attitude. i am socializing with the girls more. listening to their gossip and sharing my own. i am sitting by the pool reading in the sunshine at lunch time. i am talking about myself and getting to know things i could have learned about my housemates weeks ago.

i am distancing myself from Africa.

i am putting up walls of self defense with the hopes that my departure will be easier. i guess with the hopes that my departure will feel right and solid and final and timely and logical. i am drawing my emotions and hopes and disappointments back inside. circling the wagons, you might say. talking with the girls in the house helps me be my old self again. helps me remember who i was just by repeating practiced social conventions: “how are you?” “i am fine.” “when do you leave?” “what are you doing when you get home?” “is lunch ready?” “are you having a good day?” etc.

i can feel the lotus blossom in my chest closing slowly, but with determination. i am not worried because i know it will open again. it will open again after storing these thoughts and memories and emotions. it will open again when i am back with people i love and who love me in return.

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