[one of our first dates - December 2004]
“You were together for the time that you needed to be together.”
~ Penelope Dewar
Jonathan and i broke up.
short story: it wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t messy and we’re definitely going to remain good friends.
i asked his permission to share a little of the story here because most of you know by now that i decided awhile ago to share some pretty personal stuff along this journey. which is why i talk about days that i’m happy, days that i’m sad, days that i’m frustrated, days that i’d trade it all for a smooch from Maddy, and days that i am just plain wiped out. sacrificing personal relationships has to be included because they are such a big part of leaving home to pursue this path.
as i shared the news with a few friends in real life, i was surprised at the number of people that weren’t surprised. a lot of folks even seemed to have Seen It Coming and believed it was inevitable. maybe i am more naive than them, but it came as a pretty big surprise to me. long-distance relationships are tough, i know.
but i thought we were tougher.
one friend asked “was it just the distance thing?” and i wrote back: “90% distance and 10% him thinking it was just too hard. apparently me being 110% committed to toughing it out still doesn’t make everything add up. i hate math.”
so, yeah. he tried. i tried. and if we ever end up in the same city for more than 4 months at a time, who knows what will happen. right now i’m finding comfort in the fact that my wings are no longer clipped. as much as i adore Vancouver with all of my heart and definitely want to do my residency there, it’s sort of freeing to realize there isn’t as much pressure to line up clinical rotations in Washington.
… and i can probably go back to Africa sooner than later… and log some time in Dease Lake with my favourite ptarmigan hunter… and fly to Saskatchewan to see Maddy and my mom during this April break… and what else? i’m sure i’ll think of something.
everything unfolds the way it’s supposed to.
but, most things worth their weight come at a cost. this cost is making me feel like my bank account is overdrawn. i am taking the time to let my heart be raw and disappointed and hurt. the lotus flower in my chest has closed up tight and will need a lot of sunshine before it opens again anytime soon. i am alone. and i am lonely. nobody needs me now. not Maddy. not Jonathan. not my family. everyone survives just fine without me. it’s strange to be in a position after all these years where my actions affect me and *only* me. i don’t have an anchor anymore. and sometimes i think i might just float away forever…
but, i’m not really looking for pity. because i suppose there are worse things than an open blue sky and horizons that never end.
this is my path. this is my bliss.
I’m sorry Jen.
Every time I try to write something meaningful and heartening, it just sounds trite and stupid. It just sucks all around, no getting around it. Even though it will make sense of itself later, there’s no avoiding the path ahead.
Stay strong and stay focused and stay distracted by your goals. You’ll get through!
I’m so sorry. I hope you feel less lonely soon. I’m glad you can find positive things about the situation, maybe they’ll help you get through the tough bits. April will be here soon and you’ll get to recharge your batteries at home.
the cool part about friends is that no matter how alone you feel, you’re really not. just sayin’ :)
Sometime chemistry and timing don’t align.
Sometimes distance brings people so much closer than if they were 2 feet from each other.
I know it sucks and wrenches the gut. I’ve been there.
Doesn’t change the fact that you are awesome and I admire what you wrote here, “an open blue sky and horizons that never end.” I share the same thought myself.
All teh best to you as always.
If anything, I think the fact that you managed the long distance thing so long proves that you were both pretty darn tough.
anyway. sorry to hear that. :/
Dear Jennifer,
A friend of mine always say that in such times, you have to focus on taking care of yourself and your heart. Do the thing that please you and rest a lot.
And I want to remind you that, even if you think nobody needs you right now, this really is an illusion. As you say, people survive just fine even if you are not there, but surviving is not living…
I am sure a lot of people need you! Even if it just some folks reading your blog who get inspired by your courage to pursue their dreams.
I hope your heart heal promptly.
Take care.
As someone who quietly reads you everyday, I know it will sound hokey, but I saw it coming. There weren’t the usual posts of joy about Jonathon, there were some floaty posts that didn’t quite seem like you. I dunno. But I know I even went digging to see if I had missed a post saying what you’ve said today.
Lots of good thoughts with you. One thing about life-changing education: it is definitely a stern stern Mistress, that does not like any Gods before her.
And just so you know, Maddy still needs you.
Smooch,
Ky
Thanks for sharing that. I was curious, but of course I wasn’t going to ask.
I say go back to Africa and get that cute doctor you worked with :)
i’m so sorry to hear that, jen. i know you were both sincere in wanting to make it work and i’m happy that you were able to for so long (not only in nevis, but prince george as well). hugs from vancouver!
sorry to hear the news.
ur a bright – ambitious – just starting life MD student. ur life is just starting to blossom. stay encouraged!
I can’t say I’m surprised but not because I was really astute and reading between the lines that you hadn’t happily posted about your relationship recently. Your post is aptly titled about a sacrifice to the Med School Gods AND a doctor’s life.
I AM surprised that you’ve been away for all of 7 months and have the Internet and all forms of media at your disposal and you and he have been together for long enough to have a really solid foundation. Yet with working in Canada difficult, your separation was not just a few years but tryingly indefinite.
SUCKS. I had a really dark period when my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me after 3 months of LD. He wasn’t getting into med school in Vancouver so our separation would also be indefinite. I learned a whole lot about a lot of med students’ relationships not working out because you’re doing a heck of a lot of changing while the significant other isn’t. No one will understand you (your career) better than a fellow doctor. I felt like I was on the outside, locked out, even though I’m a “science genius” to some non-science types.
You’re on the inside. And you have a vast and loyal community who reads your webpage and loves you in non-creepy ways.
Take care.
I just looked at your marks…
Don’t drop out, ok? You’ll do better next time.
(and for those who don’t know her marks, believe me when i say this comment couldn’t be any more sarcastic)
I read your posts every morning. I dunno. Maybe it’s to look at a tropical island as the southern hemisphere starts its way into winter, or maybe it is just to hear about people that work way harder than I do. There always seems to be something uplifting in here.
Your recent news is sad. Everyone who has said just how hard romance is when you add in the miles are right. I’ve never known it to work.
The truth is, I think, that for things to work, someone has to say, “I’m sticking with you.” and to make that move. And those decisions come at a cost to careers and the other things in life. While it’s the only way I think that it can work, even that isn’t guaranteed. It can turn tough if people resent making the greater sacrifice of moving.
And there ain’t nothing good in it. You’re stuck wherever you’re stuck and you keep having to tell yourself that you’re doing what you’re doing for a good reason, but that gets tough to keep believing. Still you do seem to have good friends and regular correspondents and that must help some.
Just keep going… it’s about all you can do.
I too have sacrificed relationships to the fire-breathing god of education. It sucks but I keep up hope. I’ve had it the other way around and it just doesn’t make me feel as good about myself. :) I don’t know you, I’m just a fellow pre-med reader, but you are an awesome and inspiring woman. Keep it up.
Same as the posts above, Jen.
All the best, Sweetie. Things will click again for you soon. Promise. It will be ok.
I need you! Everytime OS med school seems like it will be too hard I remember you!
Thank you for posting.
Sucks, though :{
All the best xxx
Awww, sweetie, I’m so sorry. *hugs*
And whether or not you realize it, we *do* need you. :-)
I can only say what others before me have, and that is that I am very sorry for both you and Jonathan.
And we all need you… to keep up with the fantastic writing of course.
Medic to medic relationships are better than medic-’civillian’ in theory. And obviously my 90 miles LDR is nothing compared with across oceans. But it is so difficult for two doctors to get a job in the same area, let alone a training job (or residency for no UKers) that often one career will have to take second place to a partners. :(
Still we do get to do cool things like make people better and put knives and needles in them…
“Go slow: life in progress.”
*hug*
I understand. I mean I REALLY understand what you’re going through. My significant other and I have come to some hard times, and when I get the strength, we may have to part ways. We shall see.
But really, I do understand.
I’ve spoken about this subject with so many people. Medicine takes a front seat in your life in many ways. It’s inevitable and not a bad thing. (But still difficult to accept.)
And of course, your dog will always be the love of your life, as is mine. :)
People still do need you though. I’m sure you know that.
You’re not alone!
Well, that sucks.
very sorry to hear it…
- i wanted to write some profound thing about the sacrifices that following true bliss requires; i’m thinking you already know all about that -
but who knows what the future holds… ;)
i like what penelope said … yup …
and you are needed, you just might not know who needs you yet but i suspect you are needed a whole lot … oh yes you are …
i have no words really or the words i have are inadequate so i’ll just send you love from my heart and a warm virtual hug .. xoxox
Everything happens for a reason – definitely thinking about you….
That SUCKS.
I can’t add anymore than what has already been said except that the choices you have made and commitment to them is almost impossible for any other person in your life to understand or endure.
You will survive and I know you will be one compassionate doctor.
Now dig in. The next block is here.
Lots of hugs from SoCal
“The one good thing about music, when it hits you .. you feel no pain.” B. Marley
damn it Jim, I’m a doctor not a doct . . oh wait.
heal better soon.
Endings are sad, but they are also new beginnings. Try to remember the bright blue skys with limitless horizons. The relationship Im sure will always be special to you, and it made you part of who you are, but change happens. New adventures await.
No one depending on you is a great place to be, and it is so rare. Just remember that… it is soooo rare, enjoy it while you can.
:(
but things will get better. they always do.
sorry to hear that Jennifer. :( Med school overseas… Yer doing an awesome thing and I know you know that. No one said it would be easy… And the end result and what you want to do will make a difference. Sucks that the relationship was a casualty…
All the nice things have been said before me to cheer you up, but I am sending good vibes from the great white north down yer way, eh? :)