i always seem to write the most when i am reading the most. and for some reason, i seem to be blessed with the gift of reading books by writers who have something to say that i need to hear, just when i needed to hear it. i am addicted to quotes because they so often speak for my heart when my brain can’t figure out how to start.

Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love” is a blessing to me this week. i bought it for my mom last Mother’s Day and somehow knew i would need to read it during my vacation here.

… maybe it’s time for us to end our story forever. We were already separated, that was official, but there was still a window of hope left open that perhaps someday (maybe after my travels, maybe after a year apart) we could give things another try. We loved each other. That was never the question.

It has been so hard for me to imagine living a life without David in it. But something about my recent joy in Naples has made me certain that not only can I find happiness without David, but must. No matter how much I love him (and I do love him, in stupid excess), I have to say good-bye to this person now. And I have to make it stick.

So I write him an email.

I tell him that I hope he’s well, and I report that I am well. I make a few jokes. We always were good with the jokes. Then I explain that I think we need to put an end to this relationship for good. That maybe it’s time to admit that it will never happen, that it should never happen. My hands are shaking. I sign off with love, trying to keep as cheerful a tone as possible.

I feel like I just got hit in the chest with a stick.

I don’t sleep much that night, imagining him reading my words. I run back to the Internet cafe a few times throughout the next day, looking for a response. I’m trying to ignore the part of me that is dying to find that he has replied: “COME BACK! DON’T GO! I’LL CHANGE!”

I sit there staring at the computer screen in silence for a long, sad time. It’s all for the best, I know it is. I’m choosing happiness over suffering, I know I am. I’m making space for the unkown future to fill up my life with yet-to-come surprises. I know all this. But still…

It’s David. Lost to me now.

in my real-life version, Jonathan hasn’t responded to the email i sent a week ago. usually when he does that he is trying to “cool off” and not respond emotionally, so i probably said something that made him mad.

of course, i don’t know that he’s mad or upset. maybe he’s just busy. most likely i’m projecting my insecurities about the situation onto him. i’ve never been very good at saying things that are on my mind without fear of being misunderstood. and this time around i was full of things that needed to come out because i had to say them, not because i thought he needed to hear them. you know, selfish self-protecting and self-affirming and self-centered stuff. stuff that has the potential to make the other person mad or sad.

stuff he has had the grace and strength and generosity not to inflict upon me yet.

i just went looking through my flickr archives for a photo of him (all marked “Private” now) to go with this post. i did find a photo. one that still absolutely makes my knees melt with giddiness at the look in his eyes directed just at me. but then i realized i no longer have artistic or relationship license to share photos of him without his permission. just going through the archives sucked. my heart would really have to be made of stone to not be affected.

and despite what i might like to think or the way i may sometimes act, it is most definitely not made of stone.

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