Sleeping on the top floor with the space heater
a friend asked me in an email yesterday if i “managed to avoid the meltdown you (jokingly?) blogged about.”
no, i wasn’t joking.
and yes, so far so good.
i can’t say the coast is clear, but to be honest, i’m a bit bewildered. i’ve had a few days of emotional and physical downtime and am standing at the floodgates, waiting for the emotions to rush over me. the sense of sadness and loss.
but nothing is there.
i keep expecting to finally trip over the giant hole in my heart and set to work filling it in, but there’s only firm and solid ground under my feet. it’s like looking across a field to gawk at the scary crater where the meteor hit and only seeing miles and miles of green grass with sunshine on the horizon. where is the hole? why am i not hurt and wounded and finding it hard to recover? why isn’t the shock finally settling in? now that i’m allowing myself to be face-to-face with my emotions, where are they? why do i feel nothing but peace and contentment and excitement about the future?
something about the physical and emotional distance between Jonathan and i makes me feel like our break-up happened years ago, rather than mere weeks. even at night, when there is no one around for me to keep my chin up or put on a brave face for, i am fine. my thoughts before sleep are full of security and love and joy. i might still be in denial, sure. but that’s the nature of denial. i certainly can’t recognize it while i’m in it. hah.
the only thought that disturbs me lately goes something along the lines of: if i’m not really and truly sad for a long time, did i really and truly love him??
which is obviously followed quickly by: why does one have to go with the other?
i have more i want to say and write about everything, but i am trying to figure out how much i want to share. the public and private outpouring of care and concern and genuine love that you all sent my way when i first wrote about our “sacrifice to the med school gods” touched me deeply. i was saddened to hear that so many of you have been (or are going) through similar painful experiences. i really and sincerely appreciate your love and support. i know this journey wouldn’t be the same without you.
and so i feel compelled to share. both my joys and my sorrows. which means i will very likely have more to say soon. thank you for your love and your long-distance hugs and for the unique things that each of you bring to your life and mine. i feel immensely special to be a small part of the bright and beautiful light you shine in your life.
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April 23rd, 2008 at 12:24 pm
i don’t know but maybe the content green grass is solid because you are on your right path and where you are supposed to be. i like those times when i feel content and firm in myself, its worth a certain amount of joy and um there you are sleeping next to maddie and all that love, its got to feel pretty great i think.
xox
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:35 pm
When I go visit my mom up in Kitimat I tend to go through some amount of what you’re experiencing, though in a general sense: getting away from school/work and suddenly having all that free time to “think” can be a shock to the system. Anything that being busy was distracting me from tends to pop up in my head at that point.
I’d say, go with how you’re feeling. Let it come out, let it wash over you, get it out now. Your family and lovely dog are there for you and will help you through it. And try not to worry so much about whether what you’re feeling is wrong.
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Statistical analysis of your post from a question perspective:
Total # of questions asked: 7
- #/% of the ‘who’ variety: 0 / 0%
- #/% of the ‘what’ variety: 0 / 0%
- #/% of the ‘where’ variety: 2 / 28.6%
- #/% of the ‘when’ variety: 0 / 0%
- #/% of the ‘why’ variety: 4 / 57.1%
- #/% of the ‘did’ variety: 1 / 14.3%
This statistical breakdown makes it plain to see the vast majority of your questions are of the ‘why’ variety.
My experience, being a few years greater than yours, indicates the answer is often simply, ‘because’, or, ‘why not?’.
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Y’know, the close proximity of a dog that loves you unconditionally goes a long way towards making the rest of the world seem utterly bearable.
April 23rd, 2008 at 6:03 pm
You really are a wonderful woman, you know that!?!
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Analysis sometimes leads you in circular directions and logic tries to make the confusion understood. Emotions and feelings tend to percolate and rise to the surface when you’re not thinking of them. There are times when you should just turn off the higher functions and simply be. It does/will sort itself. It’s the nature of things.
April 24th, 2008 at 7:34 am
xox
ps
how is ur baby?
April 25th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
When my first marriage fell apart, I did too, a little. But then suddenly found myself standing up straight and realizing that I really was okay, and, in fact, I was better than okay, because the one thing I was convinced would break me all to pieces had happened, and I was still in one piece.
It’s okay to be okay.
April 26th, 2008 at 12:41 am
Lots of hugs from SoCal.