jenniferhawke.com

[previous monthly letters: 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1]

dearest Nevis,

OHMYGOSH we’re into the single-digit countdown.

pardon my French, but HOLY CRAP. wheredidthetimego? are you sure you’re not a super secret project from the government experimenting in time warp? i swear we’re in another dimension over here.

unfortunately, this month i didn’t have time for much of anything. the weather has been getting rainier off-and-on, but nothing like the hurricane season i was expecting. maybe it will pick up in August and September like last year. not that i’m complaining, of course. i like it when the power stays on and my porch doesn’t get that HUGE puddle and the water runs (relatively) clear in the kitchen sink and shower.

so what happened in July other than school? my house got broken into. Brandon got into a car accident. i logged more hours in the MUA library than in my entire career as an undergrad student in any library anywhere. the Roughriders started out the CFL season 5-0. i booked the rest of my flights through Christmas and next April when i have to leave your wee paradise sanctuary. i booked flights for my parents to come to grad (they definitely deserve a holiday) in the spring. i played a rowdy ex-marine patient with a knife wound to the back and Brown-Sequard symptoms in the MED 5 Clinical Skills Assessment exam. i wrote block 4 exams and killed microbiology, while the other classes took a pretty big hit. i got frustrated with studying. i admitted to myself i’m falling in love. i started worrying about money again.

didn’t really feel like an eventful month, but i when i write it all out like that…

this is what i expect to look like in the middle of next month:

as always, i love you to pieces, Nevis and am extraordinarily happy to be here. i will be even more bubbling over blissful next month when a dear friend comes to visit and i get 2 full weeks off from school to enjoy your beaches and sunsets and cold Caribs and impeccable pizza and awesome crazy rain.

all my love,
`Jennifer

PS: i know i keep saying this, but still more people on campus are approaching me with the phrase “i was looking for something else… and found your blog!” and almost every single time that happens i come back here and re-read things like my ABOUT page and a few old entries wondering “did i actually say that out loud for people to read??”

inevitably the answer is yes.

i’m a little self-conscious about how much i have been sharing lately, so bear with me. i go through this how-much-do-i-care and why-the-heck-am-i-doing-this phase in waves. but it obviously always subsides. otherwise i wouldn’t be here (for the past 8 years), right? this week the posts are pre-written and i’ve pushed the “Publish” button days before anyone on or off-campus will read them. for some reason the disconnect makes it a bit easier.

i consider most of the people that read and comment regularly to be very dear friends. you make writing worthwhile and i am SO thankful that you continue to stop by. thank you for all of your wonderful unending support. it sure makes being isolated at a desk in front of piles of textbooks on a deserted island disconnected from the Real World MUCH more bearable.

[block 1] [block 2] [block 3]

this block was rough. it was a brutal combination of forcing myself to study when i REALLY didn’t feel like it and ending up being disappointed by a mediocre performance i can’t blame on anyone but myself.

ugh. is it August 15th yet??

genetics
- hemoglobinopathies
- cell cycle control
- apoptosis
- cancer genetics
- cancer
- more cancer
- another 25 diseases (symptoms and mode of inheritance)

most interesting thing learned: cancer is COMPLICATED.

neuroscience
- neurotransmitters
- neuroimaging
- pain
- learning and memory
- autonomic nervous system
- EEGs and sleep
- intro to the neurological exam

most interesting thing learned: brains are sooo AWESOME.

microbiology
- viral pathogenesis
- host defenses against viruses
- antiviral drugs
- herpes and poxvirus
- human papilloma and adenovirus
- parvovirus B19
- paramyxo and orthomyxovirus
- bunya and arenavirus
- rhabdo, filo and bornavirus
- flavi and togavirus
- reovirus
- picorna, corona, and norovirus
- slow viruses and prions
- HIV and AIDS
- fungal pathogenesis
- antifungal agents
- lab diagnosis of fungal infections
- superficial and cutaneous mycoses
- subcutaneous mycoses
- systemic/opportunistic mycoses
- parasitic pathogenesis
- antiparasitic agents
- lab diagnosis of parasite infections
- Toxoplasma, Trypanosoma, Leishmania
- Plasmodium
- cestodes
- trematodes
- nematodes

most interesting thing learned: worms are frigging EW.

epidemiology
- screening
- sensitivity, specificity, etc
- health in developed vs. developing countries
- US Public Health provision

>> most interesting thing learned: the US public health system is CONFUSING.

and that’s it! doesn’t sound like i learned much (interesting) this block? doesn’t feel like it either. : ))

————
looking for MED 1? or MED 2?

you’re just about all caught up on the past 4+ months, so i can drop the “to be continued…” and write a little more in the present tense. i still like to keep a bit of time delay between real life and what i write about on here as a personal measure to protect things that are special to me, but let’s bring you all up to speed as completely as possible… : ))

i don’t ask for help or favors or special treatment. i’m stubborn and annoyingly independent. i believed the days of guys chivalrously falling over themselves to open car doors for girls were over.

then i met a man with manners from the Midwest. and hoo-boy. did he sweep me off my unsuspecting and cynical feet!

he gets up 5 minutes before my morning alarm (yes, 355am!) to pop a couple of Eggos in the toaster and start the coffee brewing. he pays a small fortune for OJ on this island and offers me a glass every time i come over. he leaves candies on my car seat in the shape of Xs and Os and hearts. he passes handwritten notes in class and brings me Oreos on afternoons he can tell i’m fading fast. he had a wonderful care package of goodies and candies shipped from home. he freshly grinds Starbucks coffee and hand-delivers it to my doorstep.

he bought me a huge PINK flowering plant from the expensive nursery halfway around the island. nevermind that the goats ate all of the flowers (and most of the leaves) before i got home to see it sitting on my porch. it’s the most beautiful twig tree you ever did see!

he once made a mini morning scavenger hunt, complete with photos and clues and treasures. he shops for 2 when buying groceries and makes dinner every night we stay at school in the library to study. he sends me an email each morning with a list of at least 15 things i could choose from for dinner. all i have to do is pick one and it magically shows up at a private picnic for two by the rarely used MUA pool.

we spend a small fortune on text messages even though we only sit a few feet away from each other and spend 20 hours a day together. he tells me i’m beautiful even on days it’s definitely not true. he daydreams about our future without lacing up his running shoes to head for the hills and isn’t afraid to share what he’s thinking on topics from moms to diapers to dogs.

and yes, he runs around the side to open my car door. he insists on carrying my ridiculously heavy bookbag. he takes the garbage out. i usually make sure my kitchen sink is free of dirty dishes when he comes over because otherwise he will wash them all. he stops mid-thought to exclaim how i am the most beautiful girl he has ever met.

he found the perfect Coach bag in Beijing and ultimate pink Starbucks mug in Switzerland and brought them more than halfway around the world to make me smile. he is coming to Saskatchewan for part of our Christmas break. he treats Joyce just as great as he treats me.

he makes me laugh. oh how i love that he makes me laugh.

he is my best friend on this silly little island. and i have a feeling he will be for a very long time even after we leave.

it always seems to happen in block 4. my brain is done. i’m tired and cranky and i forget why i wanted to be a doctor in the first place. i just want to toss my textbooks out the window and head to the beach.

i don’t care why fluconazole is better than amphotericin B or why the Salk vaccine is used over Sabin or which opportunistic infection is most common in new HIV cases or what serological marker indicates hepatitis B immunity or what the difference is between vif and vpu and vpr or ribavirin’s mechanism against RSV or which fly transmits Trypanosoma brucei gambiense or what stupid little worm is removed by slowly wrapping it around a matchstick or which hepatitis has the highest chronicity rate.

beach. now. please.

… block 4 will be done in 59 hours.

lots of work to do between now and then. if you’re looking for me, i’ll be in my front yard trying to figure out how to work that big digger thingy.

i tell my mom i’ve met someone that makes me grin and giggle. and here is what she says:

soooooooo…
with a last name like that – is he Mennonite .. hehehehe
does he fit on top of your shoulder – do you fit under his armpit
flats or heals
does he use shampoo
can he run fast
is he spiritual
do you celebrate your belly-button days in the same year
what is he addicted to :)
does he love his mom and treat her ‘well’.
what does he think of running noses and pampers
………….see – we need a coffee chat :)

as you can see, my mom’s requirements* aren’t too stringent. she done raised me good and knows i know how to be safe and secure and happy, so she trusts just about every decision i have ever made.

does everyone in a new relationship go through this? what does your mom ask?

i wonder what questions his mom has…

————
*nope. close enough. whatever i want. so much it gets in his eyes! not so fast i can’t catch him. yup. not even close. other than me? you bet. already has names picked out!

“Some of the sweetest times are when you discover that, with no purposeful intent at all, something you do changes the life of somebody you don’t even know for the better. it’s a powerful and mysterious truth about life. and for that gift, i owe a lot of thanks to you.”

~ Jim

in case you wondered… this is the reason i write.

“But when a young lady is to be a heroine, something must and will happen to throw a hero in her way.”

~ Jane Austen

have you ever had a friend that came out of one relationship, only to trip and fall head-over-heels into another one almost immediately? maybe the timing seemed a bit too close? maybe it initially looked like a rebound? maybe you were worried your friend forgot how to be happy alone? maybe you figured something *must* be wrong because it all looked too good, too fast?

well, if you haven’t had a friend like that before… you do now.

i’ve had a couple of people close to me say “well, it’s not that soon,” so maybe i’m just used to being single for long stretches at a time. maybe i’m more cynical than i thought and expected this to be a lot more difficult or complicated or confusing. maybe i was too busy looking back to notice the pothole in front of me and fell *ker-splat* heels-vs-head before i realized what was happening and could protect myself.

maybe i still would have jumped in with both feet (and a little side heel-click) even if i had been looking straight ahead.

and all i can say is: every time i plan something, things fall apart and fall back together in a way that causes me to gasp and blink and exclaim “OH! i had no idea it could be THAT good!”

a little over 4 months ago, it was St. Patrick’s Day. and i had no idea life could be this good.

[image from Wikipedia]

i was wondering why micro wasn’t turning me into more of a germaphobe.

… then we got to the section on protozoans and helminths.

these guys gross me out. yes, i’m biased against eukaryotic parasites that can live asymptomatically in you (and your dog!) for years and years. i don’t care what the diarrhea or rash looks like, give me something in my uncooked meat that isn’t classified in the Animalia kingdom any day.

“The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.”

~ Ben Stein

this is shaping up to be an extremely atypical block for me. i have spent every weeknight in the library. last weekend was ridiculously unproductive and the mornings i have to myself don’t look anything like my usual 4-8am cram session. in fact, i’m spending so much time at school that home is feeling more like… home. and less like… more school.

i think i’m trying to prove to myself that i don’t need to be stuck in a vacuum to retain this information. my brain isn’t that fragile. i desperately want proof that i can have a life i love and learn everything i need at the same time. yes, i’ve picked up the juggling balls again. if at first you don’t succeed…

it really very possibly might blow up in my face.

and i think i’m okay with that.