jenniferhawke.com

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dearest Nevis,

i have logged more miles in the last week than i thought possible on this 36 square mile island. i think i could have circled ’round you at least a dozen times by now. after spending months on a bicycle, it’s much different to enjoy your August humidity from the driver’s seat of the MUA van. whew, it’s hot.

another month down and MED 4 is just around the corner. i stayed on island over break and volunteered to help relocate new students from the airport to the dorms. and from their hotels to the dorms. and their parents from their hotel to the dorms. and back again. and into town. and to the bank. and to pick up groceries. i feel like i know the main road (and most of the hotel managers) like the back of my hand. there are still too many potholes for my liking.

hurricane season is trucking along. haven’t had much our way except a lot of rain and humidity that has me sweating through two shirts. i keep telling the new students that if you can get through August, the rest of the year will be nothing at all. December will feel downright freezing at night.

i am happy and tired and happy. MED 4 is going to be tough.

your friend,
`J XO

“Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.”

~ W. H. Auden

Brandon leaves Vegas this afternoon and arrives on Nevis approximately 24 hours later.

finally! my most important trip to the airport is almost here!

some thoughts on today:

parents generally suck.
yes, i realize this is probably your princess’s first time away from home and you want everything to be perfect, but relax. breathe. go with the flow a little.

i am not your personal taxi.
i am donating my time for free and there are 110 other students (and their parents) coming in this week. 2 more minutes for you is 2 less for them.

humour and honesty go a very long way.
even when the dad is incredibly pissed off about having to wait for over an hour at the ferry with his smart and wonderful daughter. 5 minutes into the drive to the dorms he looked at me and laughed and said: “see?! i’m not even in a bad mood anymore!”

hauling large heavy suitcases over the seats of the van when the back door refuses to open sorta sucks a wee tiny bit.

having the main sliding door fall off sorta sucks too.

i probably don’t look the same in real life, do i?
big thanks to everyone that said “hello” and “you probably hear this all the time, but i read your blog.” hello! welcome to MUA and Nevis! i hope i didn’t forget to pick you up or lose your luggage at any point… it wasn’t on purpose, i promise.

i brought a book to read in case i ended up sitting somewhere with nothing to do.
HAHAHAHAHAHA. right.

at the end of a long 12-hour-non-air-conditioned day, all i really need is a clean towel and clean sheets.

oh, and re-heated Teahouse chinese take-away is pretty good too.

12 hours till the same thing starts all over again. goodnight.

[photo by Kev. he kicked my butt in Scrabble!]

and just like that, the week has flown by. Kev is gone, the A/C unit is defrosting, my “TO DO” email folder is slowly filling up again, and the house is sadly empty.

Kev was one of those all-kinds-of-wonderful house guests. and not just because he kept the fridge stocked with beer, fixed my fence, made eggs benny from scratch (the best breakfast i’ve had on the island!), took my garbage out, cleaned the toilet before he left, sat through a couple of capital-C chick flicks, listened to my blabbing, and entertained himself while i taxied new students around the island. i also hear he’s in good with the local goats after freeing a poor damsel in distress caught in some chain-link out back.

why, oh why is this man single? some mysteries of the universe i’ll never quite understand… !

safe travels, Kev! i hope they are free of the Little Black Cloud and punctuated by low humidity weather and smooth baggage-friendly connections. i can’t wait till it’s my turn to come visit you!

Personnel Officer: How’s your driving record? Clean?
Travis Bickle: It’s clean, real clean. Like my conscience.

~ “Taxi Driver”

forget napping and hammocks and holidays. i have found my true calling. i’m going to drop out of med school and become a taxi van driver.

no time to write this morning. spending another three hours in the operating theatre then will be behind the wheel of a finicky left-hand shift MUA van for the rest of the day. yesterday i drove from 10am to 7pm and felt like i was channeling my dad’s big rig experience. tonight i predict i’ll fall in bed even more exhausted than last night. i just hope the van doesn’t break down again…

see you at the aiport!

i clearly suck at writing while on holidays. i think i’m extra good at updating while studying for exams because it’s sorta like laundry: i’ll do it with relish and ease and a big smile on my face if it gets me out of doing something else that i want to do less.

and even though i have been spending wasting far too much time at the computer, there are plenty of holiday-ish things i am preferring over keyboard time.

in fact, it has been a rather successful stretch for honing my napping and beer-drinking and girly movie-watching and hammock swinging and day-dreaming and graceful loser skills. still to come this week include Sunscreen Application 101 and working on things like carrying as much sand between my toes as possible, while reading a trashy magazine and people-watching on the beach.

i had my first experience in the Nevis Alexandra Hospital operating theatre last week. and i’ve spent a couple of days trying to figure out how to write about it… after all, when the urologist uses phrases like “pussy lips” and “golden shower” how can i not tell you all about it??

however, changing names and details of patients doesn’t seem like enough. the more i think about it, the more i’m sure i’ve given up any opportunity to write about stuff like that due to the rather extreme lack of anonymity. you know who i am and where i go to school and where i live. and this island is tiny. litigation aside, i really don’t want to run the risk of offending anyone or infringing on their right to privacy. just because i’ve given up a lot of privacy in my life, doesn’t mean i think it’s right or that i can make that decision on behalf of anyone else.

i guess instead of writing about patients and procedures, i can continue writing about me and my learning experiences. while i have been in an operating room with hospital-issued scrubs a few times before, each time has been unique and rewarding in their own special way. so what did i learn from the Nevis hospital last week?

nurses are amazing.
whether in Canada or Zambia or Nevis, nurses seem to be a special breed. i have had the immense pleasure of working with some incredible and talented women and these Nevisian nurses are phenomenal. like my mom. but with a sense of humour that had me doubled over behind my mask and wanting to high-five them over the surgeon’s head.

it’s a bit of a Boy’s Club down here.
can’t put my finger on it specifically, but i was so intimidated at one point that i ducked out of the doctor’s lounge because i felt out of place. i wandered the hall for a bit, looking to see if i could borrow a Y chromosome for an hour or two. the male MUA student didn’t seem to share my unease. perhaps he would have offered to lend me his…

Crocs are as comfortable as everyone claims.
along with hospital-issued scrubs (all the way from Chicago), i was given a pair of Crocs to wear into the operating theatre. i stood for 3 hours without shifting my weight. but dang, they are still as ugly as that blind date with a great personality.

i need to practice the whole sterile thing a bit more.
especially pushing my arms through the gown without flailing them around like i was doing the lawnmower dance move and touching myself more than a Madonna video. also, grabbing the inside of a rubber glove to put it on without touching the outside with either hand is harder than it sounds. seriously. even typing that sentence straight was tough.

tell me what to do and i’ll do it.
tell me to “put pressure on this bleeder artery” and i will do it so hard and so long that both fingers will cramp and go numb and my arm will require my entire concentration to keep it from shaking off my torso. but hey, at least my feet were comfy.

hearing a quiet “good job” can breathe new life into you.
i always liked to hear it from my parents, but hearing it from the surgeon in the middle of a procedure where you feel like you might fall over because the A/C hasn’t been working all morning is pretty awesome. from what i hear about our clinical rotations in the USA, i probably shouldn’t get used to being treated this way. you know, being addressed directly in a tone not dripping with condescension and impatience. i’ll be sure to enjoy it while it lasts.

speaking of awesome, knowing answers to random questions is a good thing.
study hard, kids. read your textbooks.

lights are overrated.
yep, both overhead bulbs burned out mid-procedure. welcome to Nevis.

so yah. golden showers (during an explanation of how urine was used as sterilizer during the war) and pussy lips (from a lesson on genital development and the fate of labia majora in males). i was thankful i was wearing a mask even though the nurses were cracking up and looking for my reaction. i’m sure they could see the smile in my eyes.

we’re doing our best to play tourist. but both of us are so content sitting on the front porch watching the planes come and go that i know the next 4 days are going to fly by (pun intended).

so far he approves of: the Pizza Beach generous crust, Teahouse shrimp chop suey that really isn’t chop suey, most of my iTunes random playlists, the extremely mediocre grocery store coffee i drink every morning, my front porch view of St. Kitts, paying $10US to watch the Riders play lose online when the usual free streaming site gets shut down for the zillionth time, email from the laptop on the porch, Carib beer, taking a shower with water pressure that drips instead of sprays, and walking up and down windy beaches licking the sea salt spray from your lips.

i can’t explain how awesome it is to share a place so special to me with peeps so special to me. so happy to have you here, Kev.

[photo by Janice]

the ledge she is laying on is about 6 inches wide.

i miss my silly girl so much.

in (sort of) chronological order…

1. What happened with your neuro final? Was it the test material itself or the stress/fatigue etc of all that marathon studying?
ugh. i’ve been wrestling with that question for 8 days. i’m a firm believer that it should be possible to succeed and even excel despite whatever learning situation you are put in. it drives me nuts to hear students say they didn’t do well on an exam or in a class because the professor was incompetent. you have the textbook and you know what material is going to be covered. what’s wrong with being personally responsible for how much you get out of a particular class?

that said, Dr. D likes to write very, um, “interesting” test questions. i often feel like doing well on an exam is 75% knowing the material and 25% mind-reading the professor’s expectations. unfortunately, i spent the semester feeling like i was trying to swim upstream against his testing style. and it bit me in the butt in the end. it was no secret that this was my favourite class and one of my strongest undergrad courses. i sacrificed time with genetics and epidemiology (and even some micro) to pore over material i thought would help me excel in the course, and maybe even my future residency. the block 5 exam was based on material from blocks 1-3 and even though my overall average for those three blocks was an A, i just didn’t review the material the way Dr. D had intended.

but my shelf exam was pretty close to my block 5 grade and overall final grade, so i’m definitely certain i earned the solid mid-B i ended up with.

2. Could you explain the shelf exams again and how the scores are calculated?
this is a tough one. i have a feeling most students at MUA don’t even fully understand how it works, including Yours Truly. i’ll do my best to explain how it was explained to me…

so, “shelf exam” is really slang for NBME Subject Examination. it is an officially sealed test booklet of old USMLE Step 1 questions divided up by subject and shipped down to the island. we write the exam here under standardized testing conditions (certain number of students per row, certain number of proctors in the room at any one time, accompanied to the bathroom, etc) and send the exams back to NBME for grading. they score the multiple choice bubble sheets and send the results to our professors.

the “raw” shelf exam score is usually a 3-digit number and MUA magically converts it to a 2-digit percent toward our final grade in the class. a score of 410 is often set as the “passing grade” (70% at MUA) with a certain standard deviation on either side. however, scoring a 410 does not mean you answered 70% of the questions correctly. it just means you did better than 70% of the people who have taken the exam.

3. The Marriot looks FAB! I actually went to the website and checked the place out a bit further. Prices seem ‘reasonable’ (I use that term lightly). What is the crowd like there? It doesn’t seem like a typical party place…i guess because it’s not an all inclusive resort?
it IS fab! and (while i didn’t pay for the room, see #8) is probably pretty “reasonable” for the Caribbean. during the school year, i’m sure the crowd is made up at least partly of MUA’ers taking advantage of our student discount, but while we were there it was mostly honeymooners.

and no, it didn’t really seem all-inclusive-Cancun-spring-break-y to me at all. then again, August most definitely is off-season and almost all students have headed back to North America for the break. last weekend was my first time there. i’ll be sure to go back and tell you what it’s like later in the year. ; ))

4. Are you looking forward to med 4 or dreaming of more time off?
i am definitely enjoying every minute of holiday allotted to me, but i won’t be sad to see September 1st roll around. i really love school and am so excited to be here studying year-round.

plus, MED 4 is the semester where everything is supposed to come together. Pathology and Pharmacology are our two main classes, but we also get to start walking around in white lab coats and using things like stethoscopes and otoscopes on each other. i can’t wait! after 3 semesters of busting our butts over textbooks, it will be good to have a reminder of why we’re here in the first place. i honestly am so sick of the desks and the classroom. i can hardly wait to get back to the hospital and rotations (see #5)!

5. When you are done these 5 semesters, residency is next, right? Is that still considered school? You don’t get paid for it do you? Any thoughts on where you want to go?
residency and rotations both start with “r” but are two different things.

after April 2009, i head home to Nebraska to study and write the USMLE Step 1. then i have 72 weeks of clinical rotations in the hospital. this is equivalent to 3rd and 4th year in a North American school. those semesters cost around $10,000US (ugh) each. after that’s up, then i apply for a residency match.

then and only then do i finally stop paying money and actually start to get some (a little) back.

MUA has rotations set up in places like Louisiana, New York, Chicago and Colorado. i’m not entirely sure where i want to go… your placement is based partly on academic standing, partly on your USMLE Step 1 score, partly on your family situation and partly on your personal preference.

i’m mostly hoping to have enough academic leverage to do my rotations wherever Brandon is placed. : )

as far as residency goes, i’m not entirely sure about that either. depends on what i finally decide to specialize in. Nebraska is looking pretty appealing for a few reasons…

6. Your sisters/moms dog was sick a while back but in those camping pictures she looks great! Is she all better now?
thanks for asking! i can be so horrible at writing about something and then letting the thread drop, forgetting that you all might be wondering or worried or concerned.

Creepy was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder and put on steroids. she is doing great, but my mom and sister still aren’t sure which day will be her last. some days are better than others. camping days are always better than most! from my sis:

I tried to cut down her steroid pills…but those blistering pustules started appear again. She’s on 6 a day now which is considerably low…but she’ll need to be on them for her entire life. Eventually the steroids will shut down her liver function etc…but she’s alright for now.

She’s lost the majority of her hair on the tops of her ears due to pemphigus. And her stomach hair isn’t growing back. The bridge from her nose to her forehead is slowly starting to fluff off…but this is all normal for being diagnosed with pemphigus folacious. She’s an outstanding 10lbs overweight and its HARD to get her to stop eating. Her arthritis is getting really bad and every once in awhile she’ll just sleep all day. She’s on special diet dog food mixed with pumpkin pie filling (before all the spices) And still always seems to be hungry. But her attitude and personality is normal. Same ol’ Creepy :)

She looks really bad now cause she nipped at a wasp and it stung her cheek. So thats all swollen…and her eyes are red from the heat -she gets really stressed out sometimes I think, which is a bit unusual for her even…she just wants to eat and eat and eat. Yowza’s!!!

But other than that she’ll still come for car rides and her ears perk up at walks. She still bounce’s around.
So…. I’d have to say pretty darn good for whats going on inside her. Pemphigus is a lot like lupus.

7. What do you eat on a typical day? How come you seem to get skinnier with stress and i get fatter? huh?
skinnier? whew.

and here i was feeling guilty because my bicycle hasn’t moved in 4 months. : (

typical breakfast: cereal with soy milk. black coffee. Eggos with syrup. toast with peanut butter or jam. no, not just one of them. all of the above.

typical lunch: granola bars. Oreos. rice krispie square. or a chicken burger from the cafeteria.

typical dinner: depends on what Brandon is cooking that night. haha.* when we eat out, it is usually ginger beef from Teahouse or ham & pineapple pizza from Mem’s or lunch at Oualie Beach or chicken parmesan (or chicken burger) from George’s.

overall, i would say i’m a snacker. i don’t cook much at home because it’s so hot and i prefer to eat 5 or 6 small meals rather than sit down for 1 or 2 big ones. i’m embarrassed to note there are hardly any fruits or vegetables in that list. i hope my daily multi-vitamin is doing its’ job.

8. How’s the money situation going? Sometimes I want to punch you because you’re a poor student with a coach bag, mac, endless ipods, a whole house to yourself, a car, vacation weekends, etc. (I don’t really want to punch you, I just don’t understand how you do it)
i am in debt. big time. call me spoiled. call me a princess. call me what you want, but out of that list, i pay for my regular expenses (rent, car) and not much else. i actually stopped to get gas today and asked Kev what side the tank was on. he was like “um, haven’t driven this car much?” and i was like “um, Brandon always gets gas for me.”

*braces for punch in the face*

all that said, i sent off my StudentAid BC forms today and am hoping to qualify for the max $320/week available. not much, but (as Kev said earlier today) better than a kick in the pants! i still have more than enough from my RBC Medical Student Line of Credit to make it through April and get off the island. even after buying my parents plane tickets to come down here for grad next year.

9. Have you used that vichy eye thing yet? Can I have your shoppers optimum points since you won’t really be using them anytime soon?
i use the Vichy eye thing regularly, but can’t really tell if or what it’s doing. my eyes were so bagged out a couple of weeks ago, i don’t think even the most expensive industrial strength eye lift (probably looking similar to the CAT excavator in my front yard) would have helped.

i used up almost all of my Shopper’s Optimum points before coming down here last year, but will be sure to put the remainder into a trust fund for ya. i certainly won’t be able to use them in Nebraska (see #5)!

10. Who is kev? Where is he from and how did you meet him? What does he do and how old is he? what is his social insurance number?
Kev is a superhero Greek god from the planet of Moz who traveled all the way down here to bring me professional-looking clothing and medical equipment for MED 4. oh, and he brought Twizzlers. anyone who brings me Twizzlers can sleep in my spare bedroom for free. please see #20.

to answer you specifically: that is probably a deeper question than i am qualified to answer. Canada. online many moons ago (but not as many moons ago as i met YOU in the mIRC chat room). computer stuff. old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. i don’t think they have social insurance numbers on planet Moz… will have to ask.

11. Are you doing anything special for your birthday this year?
it’s a Friday. it’s a school day. Brandon will be here. that’s special enough for me. : )

*braces for you puking all over your keyboard*

12. You should talk more about the extra-curricular things you are involved in. Like big sisters and the students for change thing. So…talk.
true! good idea. i really should talk more about some of the local island stuff that i am involved in. hopefully exposure will encourage future MUA’ers to do the same.

school’s out for summer, so Shenelle is on vacation. i won’t be seeing my little sister again until next month. she adored all of the stuff i brought her back from Canada and wore the flip flops even though they were at least 2 sizes too small.

MUA Students for Change is also on a bit of a hiatus until September. i’m hoping to get our group involved in the local Pink Lily breast cancer awareness campaign and more school mentoring. unfortunately, the group was really quiet last semester due to some administrative stuff and i hope to breathe new life into it with new blood and new ideas.

the Nevis Humane Society is also quiet this time of year because most of the North American retirees that run the group are snowbirds migrating home for the summer. right now we’re working on a plan to trap the cats by the MUA library and get them all spayed/neutered before the 5 or 6 kitties turn into 50 or 60. they already overwhelm the students that like to use the library microwave and eat lunch on the bench outside.

so… to make a long answer short: i’ll definitely write more regularly on this non-school stuff. i’m sure Emmet would appreciate it because he hates my mushy Sex-in-the-City relationship crap anyway.

13. Are you aware that if you miss two canadian winters in a row, you lose your citizenship?
dang. last Christmas i was here and the Christmas before that i was in Mexico. does this mean my current passport is useless?

i have already learned** all 50 states and their capitals anyway. ; )

14. Do you do stuff like get your hair cut, go to the doctor, etc on the island?
i got my hair cut at the Marriott last weekend for the first time in a year. the other 364 days i have been trimming my own bangs and split ends. pretty sure the hairdresser was horrified, but she did an amazing job of hiding it. i do not go to the doctor or dentist here.

which means it’s been far too long since my last cleaning (i have a hard time going regularly even when i’m back home) and pap test. those both sound like wonderful Christmas presents from me to me with love.

15. Did you stock up on FHPs from back home?
yep. but they sort of hog suitcase space and you can get any size or shape of Tampax that you like down here.

16. What does Brandon look like naked?
my mom reads this. so i will just say: mostly white with a bit of pink.

17. When are you coming to Kitchener??
when are you coming to Nevis?? : D

18. What is your favorite hair product?
i love to hate my naturally curly hair and after 20+ years of fighting with it and washing hundreds of dollars of hair products down the drain, i absolutely adore Joico K-Pak Smoothing Balm. it works great without being too greasy whether i wear my hair up or down, curly or straight.

19. I want to know what the favorite thing was at the Marriott?
both mornings we were there, we had SCUBA lessons. it was awesome! i have never been SCUBA diving before and our instructor really knew what he was doing. i think i’m addicted and definitely have to go again! perhaps in my bathtub back home…

20. Do you take any kinds of visitors? Cause I just got engaged and need to go on an engagement trip… :)
bring Twizzlers and the bouncer will let you in the front door. heck, i’ll even meet you at the airport if you bring TWO bags.

congratulations on your engagement, Pam!! that is SO exciting i could just reach through the screen and squeeze you! i have a zillion wedding questions to ask, but my detailed interest might betray deeper intentions.

21. But is it expensive to get there? and is it expensive to be a tourist there?
flight prices and routing really depend on what time of year you want to come. i’ve done a ton of research on getting to and from Regina, Saskatchewan but am restricted to the specific dates we have for break. i have found it hard (aka: impossible) to find anything cheaper than $1500 to $2000 return. being a tourist can get pricey, especially if you want to eat out every night. groceries will probably cost you 2.5x whatever you pay at home. gas is currently $15EC/gallon.

all that said, the house will be empty for three weeks over Christmas break. if you guys want to come down, you’re more than welcome!

22. What are your favourite biscuits? And do you ever dunk them in your tea?
gingersnaps! and i certainly have been known to dunk them in my black coffee.

23. Where do babies come from? (have you done that chapter yet?)
well, there’s this big white bird called a stork… lemme get back to this one after my OB/GYN rotation…

24. You’re put on a tropical island, and…
and? what book would i bring? hmm… i guess enough textbooks to start a library.

25. I’d kind of like to know why sharpie ink erases pretty easily from skin, but not so easily from toenails. I really shouldn’t have drawn manga toe last week. it’s going to look fairly silly if/when I walk barefoot anywhere, and I’d kind of like to avoid the embarassment.
i think walking non-barefoot in the Caribbean is even more embarrassing. and sandals with socks? don’t even try it!

26. also… is it beer time yet?
i’m embarrassed that you are my house guest and have to ask at 4pm if it’s beer time yet. it’s always beer time on holidays around here. no wait, don’t get up. allow me. ; )

27. why is your smile so darn cute and contagious?
i might take this question seriously if it didn’t come from one of the most adorable bright sunshine-y women i have ever met in my entire life. i mean, come on!

28. Would you consider changing the POW in your august sub-heading to POL..prisoner of love..oh yeah baby!
done and done. why do i hear an 80s rock love anthem suddenly playing in the background??

29. Why can’t i stop eating chocolate?
because it tastes better than brussel sprouts?

30. what is the meaning of life?
M-hmm. Well, it’s nothing very special. Uh, try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations. And, finally, here are some completely gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy, which, it seems, is the only way, these days, to get the jaded, video-sated public off their fucking arses and back in the sodding cinema. Family entertainment? Bollocks. What they want is filth: people doing things to each other with chainsaws during tupperware parties, babysitters being stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates, vigilante groups strangling chickens, armed bands of theatre critics exterminating mutant goats. Where’s the fun in pictures? Oh, well, there we are. Here’s the theme music. Goodnight.

————
*no, seriously. he is amazing. : D

**well, close enough. all those tiny northeastern ones still screw me up!