My first patient might die this weekend.
Well, let me clarify. The 30-year smoker with chest pain who’s heart attack turned out to be extensive non-small cell lung cancer will probably die. But she has been discharged and is under the care of oncology. She won’t die while I’m checking her labs and vitals and chatting with her about grandchildren every morning.
I was planning to take this weekend off, but two of my patients dropped precipitously last week and I’m having a hard time not going in to check on them this morning.
It’ll happen whether or not I’m there, of course. I’m not sure if it will be the alcoholic with liver failure that went into acute respiratory distress and had to be intubated and moved to the ICU or the little old lady with acute exacerbation of her systolic congestive heart failure that fell and broke her hip a couple of weeks ago and just can’t get going after her hemiarthroplasty.
I need to remember this point in my medical career. The point where a patient’s death is still new and important.
I hope the death of my patients always feels important.
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UPDATE: I found out that Mrs. LOL died last night shortly before 9pm.
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It’s difficult to know what to say in response. I just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you (and the patient’s and their families of course.)
powerful post, complete w/honesty and tragedy
I am sure that whatever the outcome you have already recognized the grave importance of this moment, that will insure you grow from it as you understand it
i’m very sorry to hear about mrs. lol. i can’t say i understand exactly how you feel, but as a teenager, i volunteered in a senior’s care home and when one of my favourite residents died… i was surprisingly upset. i’d only known her a very short while, but she reached right in and grabbed my heart. from the way you wrote about mrs. lol, it sounds like she did the same to you.
you will save so many more patients than you will lose. that, in itself, should keep you going.
after reading your posts, it is very apparent that you are doing such a fine job in your rotations…your passion will not go unnoticed and your patients are lucky to have such personal care. I’m a first semester caribbean med student and you are truly inspiring.
*HUG*
Jen, it must be tough for someone in the medical profession to deal with deal, it must strike you and your associates as a kind of personal failure. It’s not. We all die. Some sooner than others, because of their lifestyle, genetic makeup or circumstance. (Wrong place at the wrong time.)
My wife Beth has had people pass away during activities, watching movies, just going back to their room for a nap. (FYI everyone, she’s the activity director at a health center/senior home.) She frequently comes home saying Mr or Mrs So and So won’t make the night, and they don’t. She’s been to more funerals / memorials that anyone should ever have to. It’s very hard for Beth because she will have known some of these people and their families for years and some, just days.
I am sure you’ll hold this first death in your mind as a special event for years. Don’t let it weigh you down.
wow, sorry ’bout the opus.
It’s such a delicate balance isn’t it? To stay engaged and human, while on the other hand trying not to be overwhelmed emotionally by the cycle of life. You are a great woman, and I know you’ll find a graceful way to gauge your way through this long term. My heart goes out to you, my friend, as you’re experiencing loss.
My heart goes out to you as well and I really cannot empathize with your situation as of yet. I think it is really special that you find it so significant and it is important that every medical professional look at it from this perspective. If you can care this much about someone dieing and want to be there for them maybe you have the right mentality for oncology. I am not sure that I could do that because there are going to be a ton of deaths, but even allowing them that one more time to go home and hug a grandchild or spouse is important and the advances in medical care are only getting better.
Haven’t been on for a while, great story about LOL. I’m always amazed at how close we can get to patients, and how much we can learn from them. Jen, that’s what I was looking for from you when we talked earlier. (E-mail). You are doing well young doc, keep it up!! We love you and B and think of you all the time….take care and we’ll talk at Christmas. How about Gerontology????
Uncle Lodge