jenniferhawke.com

… in a word (or actually three): can be hard.

I’m disappointed that I have encountered several areas where previous MUA students that have “gone before” have made life more difficult.

Exhibit A: The current rotation I’m on was very nearly closed to students permanently because the last student that rotated through was horribly unprofessional and uninterested. He didn’t show interest, didn’t show knowledge and didn’t even show up! We have several med schools in this area with students from all over. Where was this particular student from? MUA!

Granted, Interventional Pain Management isn’t for everyone, but there is an interesting mix of neurology and anatomy with a wide variety of clinical patient encounters and in-hospital procedures to keep anyone on their toes for a mere four weeks.

Plus, it’s an elective. If you’re not interested in it, do something else. Simply punching the clock late in your 4th year because you want to finish electives and don’t really care what you do is NOT the way to go about it. Your actions (and inaction) affect more than just yourself.

And I don’t think most MUA students really realize that.

Exhibit B: I am currently trying to arrange a 4th year elective clerkship with a (super secret) program somewhere in the Midwest. The polite response to my email inquiry was to ask what school I attend. Apparently the program adopted a blanket rule this year and only accepts students from LCME/AOA/CA accredited schools for clerkship rotations. When did this rule pop up? Sometime after two MUA students rotated through!

Are you kidding me??

The stigma against Caribbean medical schools is dramatically receding every year. One of the attendings I work with said the majority of residents in his anesthesia program in Florida were from foreign schools and they all worked very hard. Harder than their American counterparts. Most of us work hard because we know we have to (especially to land a competitive anesthesia residency) and the rest of us work hard because we want to make the most of this opportunity to follow our dream.

And yet, I’m not advocating that everything you do should take into consideration other students around (and months behind) you. It’s okay to be selfish and make choices that help YOU get the most out of the thousands of dollars you’re paying for med school. It’s your money, your reputation and your career. The main ingredient that seems to be missing is integrity.

Thankfully, there are many students from MUA that swing the balance in the other direction. We have a lot of hard-working students that want to become great doctors and I am proud to call them my classmates and friends.

Still. What is it about that one rotten apple that can spoil an entire barrel?

[Originally written June 16th, 2010. Which means I'm mostly "over it" by now, but figured I'd post it anyway because all has not been a bed o' roses in the last couple of weeks.]

Just over a week until my exam. Thank goodness. It needs to be OVER already.

Right around the middle of this week I turned irritably irritable. There were a couple of days I just wanted to go back to bed and get up again to see if starting over would make a difference. I’m sure it’s a combination of hormones and pre-exam crankiness, so there isn’t much to do except ride it out. It just seems like nothing is going right…

To start with, Brandon’s overnight shifts at work were changed from Friday and Saturday to Wednesday and Thursday. Which means that instead of working one 16-hour overnight shift each weekend, he will be working (between the hospital and his job) two 18-hour overnight shifts each week with 4 hours of sleep in between. How much does that suck? He’s already wiped after the current 16-hour shift and often sleeps from when he gets home at 4pm on Sunday until he has to go to the hospital Monday morning at 7am. Now he’ll be working 7am-5pm at the hospital, coming home and napping for 4 hours, then working from 11pm-7am and heading back to the hospital from 7am to 5pm. But wait! We’re not done! He gets one more 4-hour nap before starting again at 11pm and working through until 5pm the next day.

Just typing that out exhausts me.

Right now he’s clocking in over 75 hours each week. And when does he have time to study/play with his dog/talk to me? Exactly. We’re not even in residency yet. Just wait till we both have 80-hour work week schedules. I can see how it will be a necessary evil later, but it would have been nice to take a little more time together in this first year of marriage.

And yet, how can I argue that I think it’s a bad idea (both for his health and our marital sanity)? We absolutely need the money and it’s not like I can just go out and get a part-time job waiting tables to give him a little breathing room with the bills. Friggity frig.

To top it off, this weekend is Father’s Day and I don’t have two dimes to rub together to get him anything. There are a couple of times each year where I’m given the opportunity to buy something for the man that never (and I do mean NEVER) buys anything for himself. And I can’t. Frig.

Back to the topic of Brandon having no time for his dog. Suh is a sweetheart, but is driving me a little nutty these days. Brandon got her back in September when he was home all day studying and could take care of her. Now I’m the one home all day and I don’t really want to take care of a young, untrained dog. When I’m home, I want to study. It’s hot out, so Maddy is content to sleep most of the day away under her favourite air conditioner vent. Suh needs to be in-and-out constantly and seems to think my sole purpose in life is to be her backdoor opener. I wouldn’t hesitate to leave her out there all day (yes, there is shade and a pool full of water), but she doesn’t want to be outside by herself. And Maddy doesn’t want to be anywhere but inside. Gah.

I’m also super nervous about some of the bad habits that the dogs have and how they’ll affect the baby. I used to like it when Maddy would bark at strangers outside (a great asset when you’re a single female living alone in a ground-floor apartment), but I have a feeling those spontaneous rampages at the mailman are going to interrupt precious sleep.

Also, I am covered in mosquito bites. One of my favourite relaxing things to do is spend a little time weeding the garden every other day or so. Because it’s so hot midday, I usually head to the backyard with the dogs in the morning or early evening. And so do the bug-repellent-immune mosquitoes. I hope they all fry once it dries up and regularly hits 110F!

Let’s see… What else is making me cranky? Brandon is never home, I have no money, the dogs and bugs are driving me crazy… oh, and studying is seriously dragging on. I need to take this exam and get all of this stuff out of my head and into a computer testing database SOON.

As I was selecting tags to categorize this post, I realized I can rarely write about money without also including school (obviously), marriage, and family. Our families have been such a huge support through our med school careers that I can’t thank them enough for their generosity.

Many of you have been following this blog since I first got into med school (and before) and you have been an awesome source of support and encouragement over the years. Some of the toughest and darkest times for me come around — not when a big important exam is looming — but when threats of money woes and funding cut-offs rear their ugly heads. I hate worrying about money. HATE it. Hate it more than just about anything else. I know that’s easy enough to say because I have more health and happiness than I know what to do with, but I would rather worry about almost anything other than money.

Since so many of you have been such awesome cheerleaders, I thought I would give you a quick update on the money front and how we’re getting closer to that graduation goal. The story is a little rambling, but probably similar to the way I would tell it to you over coffee (decaf) or cocktails (virgin).

A couple of months ago, Brandon was turned down for the first time for student loan funding from our school. After guarantees from the school that funding would be available and receiving money for five semesters, we were a little surprised and taken aback. What now? Even without thinking about rent and cost of living, we were automatically $40,000 short for Brandon’s next 4 semesters.

Last month, my mom went into our local bank branch to pay my tuition. I was about $30 shy and she topped off the $10,000 for the rest of this semester. The bank teller knows my mom (and me through her) very well and was surprised that I was so short of cash for tuition. “She should really re-apply to extend her student line of credit. She’s $40,000 short of what Canadian students receive! I don’t know why she wouldn’t be approved,” the teller told my mom.

We applied for that money and were turned down last summer. The bank told us they changed their policy and no longer lent money to Canadian students that were attending schools outside the US and Canada. Without an eligible co-signer, I was stuck. Why would we apply again this year? What could possibly have changed?

Thankfully, right around the time the bank was turning us down last summer, I qualified for the maximum amount of student loan funding available from the Canadian government — just over $20,000 — enough to pay for two semesters of tuition without touching the cost of living. My mom and dad sent me money when they could and I put it all into a savings account. When the third semester’s tuition came due in April, there was almost $10,000 in there. Just about $30 short of what I needed. How amazing!

So, while my tuition has been paid for, I haven’t been able to contribute to household expenses or rent. And I haven’t had any sort of personal cash flow, which I hate to admit drives me more than a little crazy. Brandon does an amazing job taking care of his family (rent, internet, gas, electricity, dog food, gas, Twizzlers) with his MBA student loans and part-time-job-with-overtime-hours at the Halfway House. I had a job for a little while writing for an online search engine company, but without a US social security number they could only pay me for up to $600 worth of articles. I made as much money as I could with them and they cut me loose telling me to “keep in touch when your green card is approved because we love your consistent and reliable writing!”

Which brings us up to this month:
- Brandon is short $40,000 for his tuition.
- His parents check into getting a second mortgage on their house.
- MBA loans and overtime hours keep us fed with a roof over our heads.
- 2010-2011 Canadian student loan applications are coming up in June and will be disbursed in August.
- I hope to be approved for another $20,000 from Canada student loans for my final two tuition payments.
- Our next tuition payments are in due in August ($10,000 x 2).
- The 4Runner needs plates in July ($1000).
- I am eligible to apply for a Permanent Residence card ($1000).
- Med school residency applications open in the summer ($750).
- I will have to travel for interviews in the fall ($??).
- We have a baby on the way ($?!)!

Aaack.

Sounds fun, no?

So, when my mom mentioned her conversation with the teller and how “it couldn’t hurt” to apply again, I was all ears. What did we have to lose? I mean, really. Right now our best hope was buying Powerball tickets.

I re-applied for the extension on my student line of credit. I was paired up with the awesome account manager that had to deliver the bad news of rejection when she worked with me on the very same problem last summer. She is pretty amazing. If you’re in Saskatchewan and need an RBC Account Manager, I know just the gal! This time around she sounded insanely busy, but got my application rolling with just a verbal confirmation over the phone.

Two weeks later, she faxed me documents that required an official signature because we were APPROVED!

I didn’t quite believe it fully until I saw the change in my online banking statement.

Credit line available funds: $40,000

I think it’s pretty amazing that we were approved for the exact amount Brandon needs to finish school. Unfortunately, it means I still can’t contribute to household expenses or go out shopping for new dog toys, lawn chairs and bedding plants, but we got what we needed. And the way everything always seems to come together confirms my belief that we are on the right track.

Two days I will be heartily celebrating in the next year:

1) December 2010 – The FINAL tuition payment
10 semesters at about $10,000 each (give-or-take a bit with the CDN-US exchange) is a big chunk o’ change.

2) July 2011 – My first PAYCHECK since June 2004
7 years of lost wages at the salary I was making when I quit the video game industry is around $350,000 (not including bonuses or raises). Toss in extra debt for my undergrad years and that puts me at least $500,000 behind where I would be if I hadn’t decided to go back to school.

Yah, people become doctors to get rich. Right.

————
photo: From a billboard in Vegas. Taken during a trip with Christina and Carol in 2006.

Lately, I am unhappy with everything that comes with being a student.

1) studying sucks
I’m in that netherland of wanting more time to prepare properly for the exam(s) and just wanting it them to be over already. In a lot of ways, this score is more important for my residency application than Step 1, but I just can’t get anymore get-up-and-go than I’ve already given. Maybe I need to re-read some of my previous posts from Nevis. I was pretty dang motivated back then. I just feel worn down now.

2) piles of paperwork for residency application
Gah. You guys have been awesome in helping me get to a comfortable 3rd draft of my Personal Statement. I’ve decided to use that version to accompany the information packets I’m handing out with Letter of Recommendation requests. I will sit on the thing until summer when I have to submit it to the electronic residency application system and have a look at it with fresh eyes then. I think that was the biggest hurdle as far as paperwork goes. Now I just have to narrow down programs and get some serious networking done at the Family Medicine National Conference in July.

3) $0.00 in my chequing account
Not much explainin’ needs to be done here. Brandon has done a super awesome job of paying all our bills and making sure we have food in the fridge. He is amazing and works harder than anyone should have to. It really sucks that I can’t contribute more to the household expenses or have a small personal cash flow (for things like lawn chairs and grape creamslushes). Right now, every penny my mom sends me goes into a savings account for next semester’s tuition and most of what my dad sends me goes to paying interest on my student line of credit. Ugh.

4) current rotation
To top it all off, I don’t really like my current rotation. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate it and the doctors I work with are all super nice. But it’s just not my field and doesn’t get my YAH I WANNA BE A DOCTOR ticker going. I’m kinda lost in the academics and forgetting what this whole process is meant to be about: turning me into a caring professional and servant of the medical field. All of the American animosity and disappointment with the legislative healthcare changes isn’t helping. Just about every doctor at the hospital likes to joke with students that we should really choose another career. If I had to write an essay right now on why I want to be a doctor when I grow up, I think I would be stumped. Working on my Personal Statement was a good reminder, but some of it feels more like words than dreams.

I’m all tuckered out. I’d rather go back to bed with the dogs.

Rheumatoid arthritis is a frustrating disease that touches a devastating number of lives. Two of my good friends were diagnosed with RA when they were very young (in their 20s!) and have struggled with RA for many years.

My friend Julie in Vancouver was hospitalized last fall when they discovered her white cell count was zero. Zero is bad. You need white cells in your body to fight a number of things including bugs. Unfortunately, most of the long-term treatment to keep the painful symptoms of RA at bay wreak havoc on your internal defense system.

Brandon’s sister cousin Sara has RA and the last year was particularly painful for her as she fought a number of infections, swallowed more antibiotics than you can name, and struggled with wounds that took forever to heal.

On May 1st, the 2010 Arthritis Walk will take place in Lincoln, NE.

Please consider sponsoring Sara as she walks for a cure.

Who do you know with RA?

My tuition is due in 2 weeks.

A month ago, when my financial assistance eligibility documents came through, I forwarded them on to MUA with explicit instructions. I even included pre-addressed envelopes.

And still, nothing.

When asked why the mail would take so long from Massachusetts to Oklahoma, I was told the mail to Canada can be slow and unpredictable at times.

Huh?

Let me just post the latest email here…

Hello, Ms. P.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

And the automated response from MUA Financial Aid:

Thank you for your message. I am currently out of the office and will return on Thursday, April 1, 2010.

Huh. A day after tuition is due.

This is so unprofessional and annoying.

UPDATE: Heard from MUA this morning (both email and voicemail) and I’ve been granted time without penalty to sort out the document situation. I would still like to win the lottery in the meantime.

This is my first week (out of a possible 8+) back at the books getting ready for Step 2.

I honestly don’t know how much material I’m going to efficiently get through while running around at the hospital all week, but a girl’s gotta try. Maybe I’ll find time to post my schedule on the weekend.

In the meantime, gotta keep that rod and reel in the water if I want to catch anything.

This was too long for a tweet, so I had to make a post to sufficiently de-rant.

Last September, HG Brands contacted me and claimed to be a “designer with rights to the CFL and Saskatchewan 100th anniversary”. They asked if they could use this particular photo in a promotional poster. I said Sure! I would be honoured! In return, they offered to send me some of the Rider swag that they make. Maybe a t-shirt or two for myself and my husband!? I said Sure! Even better!

6 months later, the t-shirts haven’t shown up. I think about it every once in awhile (and even sent a couple of “did you forget about me?” follow-up emails that were ignored) and am mildly annoyed. Not because we didn’t get swag. Not because they used my photo for free. Just because they offered something and didn’t follow through. Lame.

Where’s the integrity, people?

Disclaimer: We are not worried about money. Brandon has a job. Our families love us and support us. We are paying all bills on time and can indulge in fast-food or $3.75 matinees occasionally. Life is good. We are not worried about money. But…

I found something I really, really want to buy Brandon for his birthday. It’s only 9 months away and I need to sell my soul a few photos to help pay for it.

A little bit of random research into photo printing and publishing options led me to a few conclusions:

1) There are a lot of bad photos for sale online.

2) I really don’t want to add to that cyber landfill.

3) I have a sneaking suspicion every professional photographer out there dies a little inside when someone armed with a digital camera and Flickr account decides to “go pro.”

So, I had to step back and ask myself a few questions.

Would I print and hang Photos By Me on my wall? Heck, yes! I would love to have an unlimited printing-and-framing budget to add some personality to our little home.

Does that mean other people feel the same way? I’ve learned to stop believing my intrinsic view of the world is shared by many others.

Is it worth a shot to find out? With a free service like RedBubble, I’m not really sure what I have to lose. I guess stranger things have happened.

So, where do I begin?

After spending even more time flipping through my photo archives (16,000+ images in the last 4 or 5 years), I realize I am a horrible judge of the quality of my work. I like some pieces for personal reasons. I hate others without any reason. I am not trained in art. I have no idea what the difference is between a photograph that is artistically and technically flawless that doesn’t sell and other weird crap that people love to buy.

I think the last paragraph just made any professional photographer out there throw up a little in their mouth and nearly pass out while choking on fumes of disdain.

I’ve decided to take the amateur-ness of my lack of photography (or art or marketing) training out of my decision to sell my photos online. Or rather, I’ve decided to increase the amateur-ness exponentially by including all of you in the process. Yes, that’s right. YOU are going to decide which photos I upload to sell online.

Each week I will choose a different theme. I will upload 5 photos and open the voting to ye loyal readers. You don’t actually have to say “Yes! I’m going to buy that photo! Here is my money!” but if you did buy a photo from that set, which one would it be? At the end of the week, the winner will be uploaded to my RedBubble account and we’ll see if anything sells.

And since I’m making you part of the “work” process, I have to include you in the “payoff” process. For every 10 prints I sell, I will send 1 for free to a random reader/voter.

Do we have a deal?

2010 is really shaping up to be an anti-computer year so far.

I can barely bring myself to cursorily glance through email and maybe skim through Facebook before my hands are itching to do something else and my feet are already taking me in that direction.

I had a friend (hi, Christina!) tell me to “embrace it!” and not fight the flow.

So, I have a dozen unanswered email messages. There’s this Scrabble game I just can’t bring myself to finish lose. I haven’t been practicing any question banks since I passed the Internal Medicine shelf exam. I’m reading books s l o w l y. I’m watching movies. I’m learning a ton at the hospital. I’m doing lots of things and I’m doing nothing.

I’m enjoying my life away from the computer. I just wish there were more of you here with me.