I am finding it really hard to genuinely enjoy this rotation. Everyone is very nice, but something consistently feels off… and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

The OB team spends a lot of time talking about each other. And other nurses. And attendings. And patients. Conversations are designed to make you feel included and special by excluding someone else and making them seem unspecial. Insecurities and insufficiencies are swallowed up by false smiles and overly loud laughter.

It feels like high school.

And I have no idea how to fit in.

I don’t even know if I want to fit in. I don’t want to be involved in the gossip and I definitely don’t want to be a subject of the gossip. So how can I genuinely enjoy this month when I can’t enjoy hanging out with this team for 14 hours at a time?

I like the people on this team individually. But I resent the fact that as a group they make me second-guess my words and actions and undermine my confidence in the amazing person that I am.