
[Originally written on December 7th, 2009.]
“What’s Answer?” Brandon called from the front room as I unloaded the groceries.
He likes to review the receipt when I shop by myself. “44 items!” he’ll exclaim in mock indignation.
“Um, it’s a pregnancy test…” I replied busying myself with the bags so I didn’t have to look him in the eye, “I’m a little late and a little nervous.”
My period was due on Friday, December 5th. Today was Sunday.
Naturally, being well-read in the adverse affects of my caffeine addiction, I cut out coffee from the first day I thought I might be maybe a little bit pregnant. Caffeine restricts blood flow. Placentas and growing babies need blood to grow properly. Some studies say up to 300mg per day is okay, but I wasn’t taking any chances. I always thought I would be that sickeningly perfect pregnant woman that didn’t break any of the “rules” and was all glowy and barefooty.
So. No coffee for 4 days. Period 4 days late. Let me tell you, the symptoms of early pregnancy and caffeine withdrawal are nearly identical: mild headache, fatigue, irritability, and increased appetite. Monday morning, still no period, but I couldn’t tell if I was exhausted at 8am simply because I hadn’t had coffee since Thursday!
Turns out I needed caffeine. The first test I peed on Sunday morning was negative. One pink line. My period came on Tuesday. Only 5 days late, but enough to get the “what if?” wheels turning in my mind…
Are we actually trying to Get Pregnant? Well, no. Not officially. We just stopped trying to stay Not Pregnant. No charting or ovulation tracking or ordering magical baby dust online. If it happened, it happened. And I was okay with that.
Which, of course, meant I had to beat back the obsessive-compulsive type-A super-planning control-freak part of my brain with a very big stick.
I may seem to be a control freak about a lot of things, but generally I like to think I’m pretty laid back and go with the flow. My wedding planning definitely was like that. Everyone else did a great job of caring about the little details that didn’t bother me one way or another. Other than the bows, of course.
But something about figuring out how to juggle due dates in a year that will include cross-country travel for residency interviews and the inherent schedule in a woman’s monthly cycle was just too irresistible. Charts! Dates! Little tests to pee on! Heaven for those who love to mark things on calendars!
Fast forward a month later and I’m late again. I’m also enjoying my second cup of morning coffee because, well, why go through caffeine withdrawal for a false alarm twice in two months?? I think I’ve scrapped the glowy and barefooty plans too. The only thing glowy about me right now is the giant new pimple on my chin. I’d joke about heading out to buy a bottle of hard alcohol but someone somewhere would take me seriously and then I’d have to explain I was joking and, well, explaining just takes the fun out of the joke.
So here I am typing about not trying to stay Not Pregnant and over a week late. The biggest thing I’m afraid of? (This is where your brain flashes up a PowerPoint presentation of all the scary things that come with pregnancy and it’s about 425 slides long because there are a LOT). No, none of those. The biggest thing I’m afraid of at this early point is the can of whoopass unsolicited advice bound to be sparked from this post.
ARE YOU CRAZY? Are you going to drop out of school? You’re still young — why not wait?? What’s the rush? How are you going to PAY FOR IT? What will you say in residency interviews in the fall? How will you handle your surgery rotation? Are you really going to keep drinking coffee?
I think you get the picture. Feel free to ask as many questions as you like. We’ve probably already thought about them and I will be more than happy to include a post with our house-of-cards plans.
But in the end, I really just want you to be happy for us. And I want to figure out how to have an online shower so you all can come!
We are so screwed. : )