jenniferhawke.com

So much to report.

So little desire to pull myself away from this perfect face.

I glanced in the rearview mirror of the 4Runner and saw Maddy’s nose sticking out at me through the bars of the freshly-installed pet partition. She and Suh were safely segregated away from the (also freshly-installed) baby car seat. Suh was more than happy to hang her head out of the back window, but Maddy seemed to look longingly at me as if through the bars of a prison.

I felt a twinge of sadness and what might only be described as melancholy as I thought back to the days when Maddy was an only child in a single-parent household. I used to love it when she would rest her head on my shoulder while I drove and she was always close enough to listen to my latest rant or share my McDonald’s french fries. Now she was far away. And there was the shadow of a GIANT tiny new baby between us.

So many things have changed. So many things are continuing to change.

I count my blessings every day, but sometimes I wonder why it all has to happen so fast…

Yes, we are still working on the US residency thing. Our next step should be the interview, which I kinda wish would happen while I’m 8 months pregnant… : )

The 60-day timeline they quote is nice because I would really love to have this all sorted out before interviews finish this fall/winter and rank order lists are submitted by medical school residency programs in February. After speaking with a few programs at the Family Medicine conference and researching information online, it is clear that having a permanent resident green card goes a LONG way to improving the chances of an IMG matching in a US program.

I find it slightly ironic that at the pace this process is moving, our son will have a US Social Security Number before I do!

Five minutes after I walked out of the USMLE Step 2 CK exam, everything I had so carefully prepared and studied and re-re-reviewed promptly fell out of my head.

Now — a month later — what am I doing without question banks and review books??

Reading baby books
Oh, come on. You knew this was coming. Brandon is secretly dreading that I’m going to become a fountain of scientifically-proven do’s and don’ts, when all I really care about is finding proof that limiting TV is good. I think kids and TV is almost worse than kids and guns.

Continuing Spanish lessons
I’ve dusted off and launched Rosetta Stone again. Going to try to spend a few hours a week like I used to. While I know I won’t be fluent enough to put the experience on any residency applications, judging what I’ve seen so far here in Midwestern America, knowing a little Spanish will take me a long way in my medical career.

Walking the dogs
In an attempt to curb Suh’s overzealous enthusiasm for everything that life has to offer, Brandon started walking her twice a day. On days when he’s working, I pick up the slack and try to control two dogs in a neighbourhood full of squirrels and cats while waddling on stiff hips. Most mornings it drives me nuts with frustration, but I know getting out is good for me. And them.

Stretching and staying healthy
Speaking of exercise, I’m still going to prenatal yoga every Monday, but keep forgetting we have a Wii Fit sitting in the corner.

Sorting baby stuff
This could also probably be called “nesting” as I try to prepare for the little man’s arrival. You can see in the photo that we have been blessed with a TON of stuff from friends and family. That was my attempt last weekend to organize the overflowing baby closet in the hallway. Everything is now neatly sorted and folded, just waiting for the furniture we ordered last week.

Someday this post-exam apocalypse may also come to be known as the pre-baby lull.

Brandon wanted me to apologize on his behalf to those of you that have noticed that the last time he posted on his site was May 1st.

My grandma’s Hungarian Goulash is good, but you can only re-read it so many times…

Instead of blogging (or Facebooking or Twittering) he has been slammed with a double-duty work schedule. He is spending 50+ hours each week at the hospital learning Internal Medicine and 24 hours at the Halfway House making money to pay our rent.

An snapshot of his schedule this past week…

Monday & Tuesday: work at the hospital from 7am-5pm

Wednesday: work at the hospital from 7am-5pm
Wednesday evening: sleep from 6-10pm
Wednesday night: work at the halfway house from 11pm-7am

Thursday: work at the hospital from 7am-5pm
Thursday evening: sleep from 6-10pm (that’s 4 hrs of his fave pastime in 48)
Thursday night: work at the halfway house from 11pm-7am

Friday: work at the hospital from 7am-5pm
Friday evening: fall into bed exhausted

Saturday: see below
Sunday: work at the halfway house from 7am-3pm

Monday & Tuesday: start all over again

Today (Saturday) is a rare day off for him and he has to spend it doing stuff he didn’t have time to get to during the week instead of catching up on sleep and relaxing.

You know, fun stuff like working on his MBA course and paying bills.

And yet, do I ever hear him complain? Not even for one second. Quite literally the only thing he complains about is not having time to blog.

He promises to be back soon. Unfortunately, he doesn’t get much of a long weekend, but I think he’s going to attempt to dedicate part of his non-holiday Monday to a post.

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photos: A few shots of Brandon enjoying his favourite hobby.

[Originally written on Father's Day: June 20, 2010.]

Top 10 reasons I know Brandon will make a GREAT dad:

1) He is good at every sport ever invented.
Seriously. Ever. Someone could invent a brand new sport tomorrow and he would be good at it. Which is important because, unfortunately, our son’s mother was only picked for school teams on days that her friend was the captain. Except bowling. I will always kick my whole family’s butt at bowling (see #4).

2) He knows he’s not patient and is working on it.
He practices so much with Suh, I swear he’ll have his Masters Degree in Patience by the time she’s 3. To contrast, I know when I’m being impatient, but I’m too impatient to work on fixing it.

3) He works dang hard.
This is what also makes him a GREAT husband, best friend, student, employee, son, grandson, nephew, dog owner, and American.

4) He’s competitive.
Which means he’ll never let our son win. But I think we are both looking forward to the day our son beats him fair and square. On the other hand, I’m not competitive. I think it probably had something to do with sucking at sports my whole life and just accepting the fact that the captain only picked me because I’m her friend and actually made a huge sacrifice on behalf of the rest of the team because having me at bat when there are 2 outs means everyone is already warming up to hit the field. Losing a lot turns you into one of those weird people that can play just for the sake of playing and having fun. Except bowling. I was in a 5-pin league in my pre-teens and was the worst person on our team, but can still kick your butt.

5) He likes to cook and do laundry.
Need I say more?

6) He’s a good driver.
I think I’m a good driver too, but see #2 and you’ll be able to figure out pretty quickly which one of us will be doing the teenage teaching.

7) He has a great relationship with (and tons of respect for) his parents.
We don’t live close to either side of our families and — as our little family starts to grow — that sorta makes me sad if I think about it for more than 30 seconds. However, his parents do a great job of calling us regularly and staying “involved” in our day-to-day little stuff. I think it’s important for kids to have grandparents and extended family that love them in different ways than their parents do. I think you can tell a lot about the way a man will treat his son by looking at the way his father treats him. There are good genes here.

8) He’s good at video games.
I’m glad he’ll have someone to play with when I’m tired of dying because I can’t keep up with him on Mario.

9) He likes fireworks.
July 4th is his very favourite holiday. Out of the whole year. Weird, I know. But what kid wouldn’t like a dad that lets him play with fire in the backyard?? (except in OKC because fireworks are illegal within city limits)

10) He is generous and kind and has impeccable manners.
Heaven help the girls that cross our son’s path if he inherits even half of his dad’s thoughtfulness and genuine charm. Brandon’s parents did a great job of raising him (see #7) and there are good genes here!

And those are just the things off the top of my head. I really think the only thing he’s going to hate about being a dad is the fact that he doesn’t like being outside. He doesn’t like bugs or grass or camping or fishing or eating outside. But even if he’s not willing to get over those little things and take me out into the wilderness (because I love bugs and grass and camping and fishing and eating outside), he just might make an exception for that future father-son bonding weekend.

Happy Almost Father’s Day, baby

[UPDATED as the process rolls along and more steps/money are added....]

I find it kind of ironic that in the same summer I am applying for med school residency, I am also applying for American soil residency.

In the interest of making my med school residency application That Much More Really, Really Ridiculously Goood Looking, Brandon and I decided to set aside $1,010 that we sort of can’t afford for my Permanent Residence Application. We figure if I have my own “green card” and don’t need J1 or H1 visa sponsorship, I am more likely to get my foot in the door with hospitals that might not otherwise look twice at an IMG. Similar to the ridiculously astronomical USMLE fees (over $2000 for Step 2 CS & CK), we have to look at it as another necessary investment along the med school debt highway.

Plus, I figure it says “I’m from Canada! We’re nice! The government says I can be here! And look! I work hard and am organized enough to get my own paperwork done instead of relying on you to do it for me!”

Whether or not you’re planning to cross the border in either direction any time soon, here is a short run-down of the process:

1) Get into the country
For most non-visiting people, this is with an I-94 Arrival and Departure record issued by a US Customs officer at the border. Some students are eligible for specific visas. They let me in with a letter from my school, the merit of my red-white-and-blue blooded American husband, and a $6 application fee.

2) Family member files I-130
This is where you spend $355 for your spouse or family member to declare that they are indeed related to you and they really want you to be able to live with them in the US. A bunch of photos and copies of documentation are required to accompany the application. After 5 months of processing, you’ll get a pretty I-797 Notice of Action piece of paper that says whether it was approved or declined, but doesn’t really do anything.

3) Adjustment of status
Approval of the I-130 doesn’t grant or guarantee you anything, but you are now given the opportunity to “register permanent residence or adjust your status” with the I-485 application. Fewer photos and copies of documents are required for this step, but more money and a visit to your local biometrics office are needed. Be sure to include a copy of the I-797 you received through your I-130 application. According to online USCIS estimates, it should take about 5 months, so I’m hoping to have that pretty green card in my hands by the time fall med school residency interviews roll around.

4) Get a medical
Once you actually submit your I-485, a few other documents automatically become due (within 87 days). Now you need to visit an authorized civil surgeon for a physical, vaccination history review, and TB test. Form I-693 (Report of Medical Examination and Vaccination Record) will probably cost you $125. I think this was the easiest step for me and made all of the pre-clinical med school hoops I had to jump through totally worthwhile. The nurse was amazed that I have such a neat and tidy record of all of my vaccinations, titers, and most recent TB test.

5) Get a sponsor
You also need to find a sponsor that is willing to legally commit to saying they have enough money to take care of you so the US government doesn’t have to. For me, Form I-864 (Affidavit of Support for the Petitioner) will have to be filed jointly by Brandon and his parents because Brandon hasn’t made enough money to file a tax return in three years and certainly doesn’t make enough to exceed the 125% of the poverty line cut-off. We are poor.

6) Let me work here!
Next, the US government may authorize you to accept work in America while everything is being processed. Form I-765 (Application for Employment Authorization) is processed within 90 days of when they receive all of the required information. There is a $340 filing fee for this application, but the USCIS website claims: “If you filed a Form I-485, Application to Register Permanent Residence or Adjust Status, on July 30, 2007, or after, and you paid the I-485 application fee required, then no fee is required to file a request for employment authorization on Form I-765.” So I’m really hoping we fall into that category and won’t be receiving another bill in the mail.

Money so far: $1496
Time so far: 9 months

Here is the same version of events as told by the US Citizenship and Immigration Services.

I was delighted to hear that the USCIS recently decided to actually make the green card green! Eddie Murphy would probably approve.

The husband is at work, the dogs are walked, the decaf is hot and this Sunday morning is all mine.

Brandon and I had an amazing day off yesterday. For the first time in months, I didn’t have any studying to do and for the first time in almost 8 weeks, he had 24 hours away from his job and the hospital. Bliss!

Contrary to what might have been a popular choice, we did not spend the whole day in bed. We actually got up early (dang internal alarm clocks) and took the dogs to the off-leash park before the heat of the day set in. Then we went to Babies ‘R Us and drooled over the crib and changing table that we-love-but-is-out-of-stock-until-July and tried on baby-carrying harnesses. After a healthy fast-food indulgence lunch, we headed home to watch the USA try to come from behind (again!) in the FIFA World Cup. Then we went to an early movie at our favourite $3.75 theatre (recently re-opened and mostly renovated after extensive hail and flood damage) and came home to sleep for an uninterrupted 9 hours.

It was a rare day for Just The Two Of Us and immensely treasured as they become fewer and farther between.

Today I am back online and hopelessly behind. There are 549 unread posts in my Google blog reader. So you can safely assume that unless you directly emailed me (and it didn’t get sorted into my junk mail folder) if something interesting happened on the internet in the last month, it doesn’t exist in my world.

I hope you all are having an amazing summer so far. I know mine is about to get a lot better.

Oh, and how did the exam go? It’s tough to say and I’m always horrible at estimating those things, but it felt a lot like Step 1. Some stuff I knew cold and some stuff made me feel like I hadn’t cracked a book all year. How well I did depends on how many of each I answered/guessed correctly. I’ll let you know as soon as I know, which should be in about three weeks.

As I was selecting tags to categorize this post, I realized I can rarely write about money without also including school (obviously), marriage, and family. Our families have been such a huge support through our med school careers that I can’t thank them enough for their generosity.

Many of you have been following this blog since I first got into med school (and before) and you have been an awesome source of support and encouragement over the years. Some of the toughest and darkest times for me come around — not when a big important exam is looming — but when threats of money woes and funding cut-offs rear their ugly heads. I hate worrying about money. HATE it. Hate it more than just about anything else. I know that’s easy enough to say because I have more health and happiness than I know what to do with, but I would rather worry about almost anything other than money.

Since so many of you have been such awesome cheerleaders, I thought I would give you a quick update on the money front and how we’re getting closer to that graduation goal. The story is a little rambling, but probably similar to the way I would tell it to you over coffee (decaf) or cocktails (virgin).

A couple of months ago, Brandon was turned down for the first time for student loan funding from our school. After guarantees from the school that funding would be available and receiving money for five semesters, we were a little surprised and taken aback. What now? Even without thinking about rent and cost of living, we were automatically $40,000 short for Brandon’s next 4 semesters.

Last month, my mom went into our local bank branch to pay my tuition. I was about $30 shy and she topped off the $10,000 for the rest of this semester. The bank teller knows my mom (and me through her) very well and was surprised that I was so short of cash for tuition. “She should really re-apply to extend her student line of credit. She’s $40,000 short of what Canadian students receive! I don’t know why she wouldn’t be approved,” the teller told my mom.

We applied for that money and were turned down last summer. The bank told us they changed their policy and no longer lent money to Canadian students that were attending schools outside the US and Canada. Without an eligible co-signer, I was stuck. Why would we apply again this year? What could possibly have changed?

Thankfully, right around the time the bank was turning us down last summer, I qualified for the maximum amount of student loan funding available from the Canadian government — just over $20,000 — enough to pay for two semesters of tuition without touching the cost of living. My mom and dad sent me money when they could and I put it all into a savings account. When the third semester’s tuition came due in April, there was almost $10,000 in there. Just about $30 short of what I needed. How amazing!

So, while my tuition has been paid for, I haven’t been able to contribute to household expenses or rent. And I haven’t had any sort of personal cash flow, which I hate to admit drives me more than a little crazy. Brandon does an amazing job taking care of his family (rent, internet, gas, electricity, dog food, gas, Twizzlers) with his MBA student loans and part-time-job-with-overtime-hours at the Halfway House. I had a job for a little while writing for an online search engine company, but without a US social security number they could only pay me for up to $600 worth of articles. I made as much money as I could with them and they cut me loose telling me to “keep in touch when your green card is approved because we love your consistent and reliable writing!”

Which brings us up to this month:
- Brandon is short $40,000 for his tuition.
- His parents check into getting a second mortgage on their house.
- MBA loans and overtime hours keep us fed with a roof over our heads.
- 2010-2011 Canadian student loan applications are coming up in June and will be disbursed in August.
- I hope to be approved for another $20,000 from Canada student loans for my final two tuition payments.
- Our next tuition payments are in due in August ($10,000 x 2).
- The 4Runner needs plates in July ($1000).
- I am eligible to apply for a Permanent Residence card ($1000).
- Med school residency applications open in the summer ($750).
- I will have to travel for interviews in the fall ($??).
- We have a baby on the way ($?!)!

Aaack.

Sounds fun, no?

So, when my mom mentioned her conversation with the teller and how “it couldn’t hurt” to apply again, I was all ears. What did we have to lose? I mean, really. Right now our best hope was buying Powerball tickets.

I re-applied for the extension on my student line of credit. I was paired up with the awesome account manager that had to deliver the bad news of rejection when she worked with me on the very same problem last summer. She is pretty amazing. If you’re in Saskatchewan and need an RBC Account Manager, I know just the gal! This time around she sounded insanely busy, but got my application rolling with just a verbal confirmation over the phone.

Two weeks later, she faxed me documents that required an official signature because we were APPROVED!

I didn’t quite believe it fully until I saw the change in my online banking statement.

Credit line available funds: $40,000

I think it’s pretty amazing that we were approved for the exact amount Brandon needs to finish school. Unfortunately, it means I still can’t contribute to household expenses or go out shopping for new dog toys, lawn chairs and bedding plants, but we got what we needed. And the way everything always seems to come together confirms my belief that we are on the right track.

Two days I will be heartily celebrating in the next year:

1) December 2010 – The FINAL tuition payment
10 semesters at about $10,000 each (give-or-take a bit with the CDN-US exchange) is a big chunk o’ change.

2) July 2011 – My first PAYCHECK since June 2004
7 years of lost wages at the salary I was making when I quit the video game industry is around $350,000 (not including bonuses or raises). Toss in extra debt for my undergrad years and that puts me at least $500,000 behind where I would be if I hadn’t decided to go back to school.

Yah, people become doctors to get rich. Right.

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photo: From a billboard in Vegas. Taken during a trip with Christina and Carol in 2006.

Brandon bought me this book as a surprise Mother’s Day gift last week. Yes, he picked it out on his very own! And he picked a gooder.

I laughed out loud. Elizabeth Gilbert said she did the same, but she probably isn’t Mennonite. And even though my mom could definitely relate more to the anecdotal stories about growing up Mennonite*, Rhoda Janzen wrote about Verenike – enough to make her my very favourite author EVAR. Her Mennonite family currently lives in California, but came to America through Ontario and Saskatchewan. Her great-aunt immigrated to Saskatoon. Probably right around the same time as my great-grandparents.

As someone who has answered the “Mennonite? Don’t they drive around in horse-drawn buggies, shun technology and wear doilies on their heads?” questions every time my family heritage comes up, I especially liked Ms. Janzen’s little history appendix at the back of the book.

Clearly the dominant American culture confuses us Mennonites with the Amish, who in fact began as an insurgent faction rebelling from the Mennonites. The Amish cut away from the Mennonites in 1693 because the rest of us were too liberal. That’s rich, no? A liberal Mennonite is an oxymoron if ever there was one.

So many Mennonite beliefs and practices are conservative that folks are perplexed by what they see as a curious dichotomy. On the one hand, the Mennonites resist change with their narrow doxy and their old-fashioned commitment to family values. On the other hand, those same Mennonites have actually identified with some leftist attitudes over the course of their near-five-hundred-year history. Because they are pro-peace, they are antiwar. Because they are nonviolent, they oppose the death penalty. Because they are anticonsumer, they promote a simple lifestyle that advocates for the environment. It’s a curious collision of opposing forces that even today results in split political filiations among American Mennonite churches. Some are Republican; others lean Democrat.

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*My siblings and I were way more mainstream. I even had a Strawberry Shortcake lunchbox in kindergarten!